Archive for June, 2012

 
Here are 10 simple questions to test your intelligence:
 
1. Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many months have 30 days?
 
 
2. While running in a foot race, you overtake the person in 2d place. What position are you in?
 
 
3. While running in a foot race, you pass the person in last place. What position are you in?
 
 
4. How many grooves does the average ‘LP’ record have on it?
 
 
5. How many “Outs” are there in a “North American” baseball inning?
 
 
6. How many 2-cent stamps do you get in a dozen?
 
 
7. If you pave a 8-foot by 8-foot patio with 12 inch by 12 inch paving stones, how many will it take to finish the patio?
 
 
8. Which is correct to say: “The yolks of the egg is white.” or “The yolks of the egg are white.”?
 
 
9. If a German charter plane carrying French tourists crashes on the Italian/Swiss border, Who’s responsible to bury the survivors?
 
 
10. “THEIR ARE THREE ERRERS IN THIS SENTENCE, FIND AND CORRECT THEM.”

The ANSWERS:

1. ELEVEN months have 30 days, only February has less.

2. Although you might think you’re in FIRST; if you overtake SECOND, you’re in SECOND PLACE.

3. You CAN’T overtake LAST PLACE; LAST PLACE is the last person in the race.

4. TWO – one on each side.

5. SIX – three for each team.

6. 12 – A dozen is a dozen regardless of price.

7. ONE – The last stone will FINISH the patio.

8. Neither – The yolk is yellow.

9. You don’t typically bury survivors.

10. “[THERE] ARE [TWO] [ERRORS] IN THIS SENTENCE, FIND AND CORRECT THEM.”

 
   The old man’s stomach was bothering him. He knew he should not have had the Bran Flakes before church. Not wanting to get up and disrupt the service, he decided to just let it ease out without drawing attention. Unfortunately, he choose to release during the quietest part of the church service. He leaned over and told his wife, “I just let out a ‘silent but deadly,’ what should I do?” She replied, “Put new batteries in your hearing aid.”

 
 
 
   She was a really cute brunette, sitting there in her white top and tan shorts with her Starbuck’s Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte. But you could tell something was bothering her. Bothering her on a physical level. She was very uncomfortable. The music was somewhat loud and you could tell she was enjoying it. Then I saw it. And I heard it. She started swaying back and forth, timing her farts with the beat of the music. After a few short bursts she started to feel better. She finished her coffee and smiled at me. I smiled back, and then suddenly she realized she was listening to her iPod.

My first blind date

Happy Valley Retirement Village

 

   Sales, Marketing, Advertising, Promoting. The terms are very similar, but in fact, have very different connotations. It seems that the subtle differences are either too complex or too boring for people to remember.

So here is a very simple way to understand the different terms used in promoting business:

  • You’re a handsome man and you see a gorgeous lady at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’d like to go out with you.” That’s Direct Marketing.
  • You’re a handsome man and you go to a party with a bunch of friends. You see a gorgeous lady. One of your friends goes up to her and points to you and says, “He would like to go out with you.” That’s Advertising.
  • You’re a handsome man and you see a gorgeous lady at a party. You go up to her and ask for her telephone number. The next day you call her and say, “Hi, I’d like to go out with you.” That’s Telemarketing.
  • You’re a handsome man and you see a gorgeous lady at a party. You straighten your tie. You walk right up to her and hand her a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach out and kiss her hand, looking up at her with a suggestive smile, and then you say, “I’d love to go out with you.” That’s Public Relations.
  • You’re a handsome man at a party and see a gorgeous lady. She walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re quite the lady’s man?” That’s Brand Recognition.
  • You’re a handsome man at a party and see a gorgeous lady. She fancies you, but you talk her into going home with your best friend instead. That’s a Sales Representative.
  • Your best friend fails as a date, so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.
  • You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be a gorgeous woman in every house you drive past, so you park your car in the middle of the apartment complex, climb up onto the roof, and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m available for dating!” That’s Junk Mail.
  • You’re a handsome man at a party. You see a younger man and he fancies you. You go over and make advances. That’s Recruiting.
  • You have a relationship with the younger man, but ten years later the man’s attorney says that he was offended and abused by it, so he sues you and is awarded a big cash settlement. You have no money; you spent it all on parties, so the government pays the settlement for you. And that’s called a Bail Out.

For Sale: Low Mileage Car

TOP TEN Indicators we’re living in a tough economy.

 

   It was a very bad season for the University of Tennessee Volunteers. It was clear the whole team had a drug problem — they were being drug all over the field. It was beginning to appear that in their future schedule they would have to quit opponents like Alabama, Auburn, and Georgia, to play clubs that were closer in ability: the football teams of Boy Scout Troop 146 and Knoxville School for the Blind.

   It was such a bad year, my Uncle Joe, as big a Volunteer fan as he is, didn’t want to sit through another game of defeat. The problem was he is a season ticket holder. He never thought he’d ever give up on his beloved Volunteers, but he just really didn’t have an interest in seeing them lose another game. So Uncle Joe decided he should do the best thing he could with the tickets: allow someone else to enjoy them.

   But none of his friends were interested in going to the game during this dismal season, either. So Uncle Joe had an idea: He drove down to the East Town Mall, parked his car at the main entrance to the mall, rolled his window down, and laid his four tickets on the dash board out in clear view — and within easy reach of anyone that might happen to pass by. Then he went in the Mall and just hung out for a while.

Two hours later, he returned to his car to find someone had left him four more tickets.

Calling all cars…

Texas style lo-jack

The Tennessee Highway Patrol

In the Northern part of the state, an older lady in a late-model Cadillac is being pursued by the Tennessee Highway Patrol for speeding along I-75. She was traveling at nearly 100 mph. At first, she wouldn’t slow down. It almost appeared as if she were making a run for the Kentucky state line. Finally, after two or three miles of pursuit and a couple of quick blasts on the siren, she finally pulls over.

“Is there a problem, Officer?” she asks.

“Ma’am, you were going nearly a hundred miles an hour.” he replies. “May I see your license and registration?”

“I don’t have a license or a registration. You see, I really don’t drive that much.”

The Officer asks, “Then can I see your proof of insurance?”

“I’m not insured,” she says, “They won’t cover me since my drunk driving convictions.”

“Drunk driving convictions?” he repeated.

“Last month, while I was on probation,” she explained.

“Are you on probation now?” he asked.

“Yes, for a convenience store robbery,” she said in a matter-of-fact manner. “The gun is here in the glove box.”

Now the trooper was getting nervous,”Robbery, gun?”

“Well, now I’ve stolen this car,” she said, “and I killed the owner and stuffed him in the trunk with 300 kilos of purified cocaine.”

   The Officer tells the woman, “Keep your hands where I can see them and don’t move. Just stay right where you are.” He slowly backs away to his patrol car and calls for back up. Within minutes five more police cars encircle the Cadillac. The senior officer slowly approaches the car, with his service weapon drawn.

“Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!” he calls. The woman steps out of her vehicle. She asks, “Is there a problem sir?”

“One of my officers tells me that you have no identification, you’re on probation with a felony conviction, and have a weapon in the glove box of this stolen car.”

“Felony probation? Guns? Stolen car? Oh my goodness! I have never heard such outlandish talk.” she asked.

“Could you just open the trunk of your car, please?” the Senior Trooper asked. The woman opens the trunk revealing nothing but a spare tire.

“Is this your car, ma’am?” the trooper asks.

She replies, “Yes, here are the registration papers and my proof of insurance.” The officer is quite confused.

“My officer claims that you do not have a driver’s license.” The woman digs into her clutch purse and pulls out a driver’s license. She hands it to the officer. The officer examines her license. He looks quite puzzled.

“Well, ma’am, thank you. The reason we pulled you over today is one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, registration, or insurance, that you’re on probation for robbing a convenience store, you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner, and stuffed him in the trunk with a copious amount of illegal drugs.”

“What an imagination!” the woman said, “and I suppose the liar told you I was driving something like a 100 mph too.”

I’ve been driving 40 years now

A Traffic Stop on Interstate 40

 

Redneck Retrofit – Air Conditioning

Hillbilly Classics

 

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