Letter from a hillbilly mom

Posted: July 15, 2012 in Family, Kids, Redneck
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 
   This is a letter from a Kentucky woman to her son:
 

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Dear Johnny: 

   I’m writing this letter real slow ‘cause I know you can’t read that fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family that lived there took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn’t have to change their address. This place has an indoor porcelain washing machine. I haven’t figgured out how to use it yet. The first day, I put four shirts in it, pushed the handle down, and haven’t seen them since, although it did refill with water.

    The weather’s been nice. It only rained twice this week: three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, you’ll have to sew the buttons back on. Your Ant Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    Your father has an important new job. He now has over 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had her baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The neighbor’s wife had twins and he is out with a shotgun looking for the other man.

    Your Uncle Jim fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off. He drowned with a smile on his face. We had him cremated and he burned for three days. Grampa went to the doctor. He wasn’t feeling too well. The doctor told him, “take one of these pills a day for the rest of your life.” Grampa is quite upset ‘cause the doctor only gave him thirty pills. By the way, we got a bill from the funeral home. They said if we didn’t make the last payment on grandma’s funeral, up she comes.

   Your brother is turning in to a neighborhood bully. He can beat up all the kids around except for the Murphy family; they have boys. Two of your high school friends died the other day. They went off the Cedar Narrows bridge in a pickup truck. Paul was driving; Randy and Scott were in the back. Paul got Out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

   Well, that’s all the news for now.

Love, Mom

PS. I was going to send you a check for $10, but I had already sealed the envelope.

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Letter to my darling husband

Letter from Boot Camp

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Comments
  1. Anonymous says:

    Hilarious-but how did they find my family?

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