Archive for the ‘Food’ Category

Now, about that Hearing Aid

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , , , ,
older man with younger girl

Oh, to be young!

Morris, an 82 year-old man in spry condition, went to the doctor for his annual physical. For the most part, the man was very healthy, although the doctor did notice an irregularity with the man’s heart. Concerned that physical stress might worsen his heart’s condition and possibly threaten the man’s life, the doctor warned him against any heart-strenuous activities.

A few days later, the doctor saw the older man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm, and from the way they were acting, it was obvious the man had ignored the doctor’s advice and found himself a sexual playmate. Now, Morris had been a patient of the doctor’s for years, and had always followed the doctor’s advice. The doctor considered Morris a friend, and was hurt that he ignored this piece of crucial advice.

A couple of days later, the doctor’s concern outweighed his annoyance, and he called Morris.

“Morris, you and I have been friends a long time, haven’t we?” the doctor began.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and you’ve always followed my advice,” he continued.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and because you have followed my advice, you’re really doing great, aren’t you?” he asked.

“well, certainly, Doc,” Morris said, and added, “I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at…”

The doctor let him have it full-force: “Well, Morris, You came into my office the other day and I saw something that concerned me, so I gave you some advice and you just totally ignored me. The other day, I saw you with some hoochie-girl and it’s clear that you are in a very physical relationship.”

Morris replied, “But I am following you advice, Doc. You said, ‘You get a hot mama, pursue strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, and pursuant to strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be careful.”

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Remembering Ice Cream

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , ,

ice-cream-strawberries

Ice cream with strawberries.


   A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that mentally, they’re fine. He advises them that if they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I don’t want you to forget that, so write it down.’ she says.

Irritated, he replies, ‘Dang it, woman, I don’t need to write it down! I can remember it: Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he ambles into the kitchen and she hears him getting out bowls and flatware. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate in disbelief.

‘I told you, you should have written it down, she quips, ‘You forgot the toast.’

McMonopoly

Posted: October 11, 2012 in Family, Food, Kids, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

McDonalds' Monopoly Gamepiece - peel it
to reveal a winner.

   McDonald’s just launched their 20th annual Monopoly game contest. When you buy certain food and drink items from McDonald’s, you get two or four game pieces attached to the packaging. You peel the game pieces off to reveal either an instant win coupon or a monopoly property card that you collect for a big prize.

   My daughter has always been a fan of these games of chance. One Christmas, when she was about 10, she wanted to hang around the store after we bought our Christmas gifts so she could win the door prize. I tried my best to discourage her so we could go home, but she begged, and so we stayed. She won the door prize — a diamond bracelet worth about $200.

   The other night, the family was eating at McD’s, and my daughter pulls her Monopoly game pieces from her drink cup. WINNER! She wins a free Tropical Smoothie.

    She goes up to the counter to claim it, and she comes back with a large milk shake instead. The guy behind the counter made another customer the wrong drink, so he let my daughter have it for free… WINNER! Oh and, by the way, the milk shake had two more Monopoly pull-off pieces. You guessed it. WINNER! – She wins a free order of fries to go with that milk shake and smoothie.

   So what did I get on my drink cup Monopoly pull-offs? Luxury tax and GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL.


   Perhaps there is nothing in social relations that produces more terror than The Annual Office Christmas Party. There is reportedly no worse source of nightmares. yet every year, we dutifully shuffle off to endure this one night of expected torture.

   1. It’s a party and it’s supposed to be fun — yet it is precisely not fun. Indeed, anyone seeking fun would most probably and more likely find it almost anywhere else. But we are governed by items two and three:

   2: Everyone there appears as though they are there to see and socialize with other co-workers, when really they are there only to protect their precarious economic position. After all, if two co-workers really wanted to see each other, then why do they communicate by email when they sit in adjacent cubicles?

   3: In its apparently voluntary nature, it appears to make people welcome and to feel like they belong to the corporate whole, yet the discerning observer will notice exactly the opposite. Namely, the fellowship degrades into intimate gatherings of gossipy individuals who previously alienated themselves from the corporate whole.

The only thing I can think of that’s worse than having to attend the Annual Office Christmas Party, is having to host the annual office Christmas party.

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DATE: December 1

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Christmas Party on December 23d

   I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Italian Bistro. This gathering is only for employees! There will be a pay-as-you-go bar, but plenty of free eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols… so feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! The Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. and we will exchange gifts among employees. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the gift-giving easy on everyone’s pocketbook. A special announcement will be made by our CEO at the end of the evening!

Merry Christmas to you and your families,

Patty

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DATE: December 2

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. Christmas is an important holiday which often coincides with Hanukkah, though unfortunately not this year. The CEO has asked me to remind you that the company does not discriminate against any employees based on religious beliefs. However, to prevent this misconception, from now on we’re calling it our “Office Holiday Party.” This same policy applies for employees who will be celebrating “Kwanzaa” at this time. Also, there will be a “Holiday” tree present, and we will not be singing “Christmas” carols. However, we will have other types of music playing for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your families,

Patty

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DATE: December 5

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   Regarding the note I received from a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous who was requesting a special “non-drinking table”… You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate your request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “Alcoholics Anonymous Table” you won’t be anonymous anymore.

Patty

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DATE: December 6

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   Forget about the gift exchange at the office holiday party. We will have no gift exchange since the Worker’s Union contacted me with a grievance that they are being forced to give gifts to management. Instead, the executive board has voted to add a $10.00 bonus to each employee’s paycheck. Again, NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED. Remember, our own “little Santa in a red suit” will be making an important announcement at the end of the evening.

Patty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DATE: December 7

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Luigi’s has agreed to hold off on serving the meals until the end of the party — after the planned events — or else they can package everything for take-home. Will that work?

   Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit the farthest from the dessert buffet and the two pregnant women will get a table closest to the restrooms. Gay male employees do not have to sit at the ‘Singles’ table, they will be allowed to sit with each other as a couple, and the lesbians do not have to sit at the table with the single gay men, unless they want to. Yes, there will be a take-home flower centerpiece on the ‘Single Gay Men’s’ table.

   To the person who asked if they can cross-dress, no cross-dressing is allowed. This is a Holiday party, not a costume party. Also, we will have three booster seats on hand for our ‘little’ people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet and a cheese-and-bean dish will be substituted for the meat entrée for the vegetarians. We cannot control the amount of salt used in the food, so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste their food first before loading up a plate. the restaurant does not serve “sugar-free” desserts, but there will be a limited quantity of fresh fruits for the Diabetics. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?
Patty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DATE: December 8

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   I have just been informed that December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. However, fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the open burning of sage by our “Earth-Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???… I don’t know what else you can expect me to do, maybe tap-dance naked on the tables?

P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DATE: December 11

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   People, people! I was joking about the naked tap-dancing . I realize NOBODY wants to see that!.

   Also, there was nothing sinister intended by my referral of the CEO as “our own little Santa in a red suit,” even though some employees pointed out the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan” and Satan wears red. And there is no evil connotation to my earlier remark, “that he’ll be making a special announcement.” No one is losing their jobs! It’s a flippin’ tradition, folks! Like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Get over it! Could we all just lighten up? Please?????????
Regardless, the company has changed their mind about making the special announcement at the gathering. You will instead get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DATE: December 12

FROM: Patty
TO: All you #%&$**@ Employees
SUBJECT:The %#*&^%@*% Office Holiday Party

   I have NO FREAKIN’ idea what the G*&#&p;8^ announcement is all about. What the %#&^??? I DO NOT KNOW if it is about a “Christmas-” or “Holiday-” or “Kwanzaa-” or “Ramadan-” or “Earth-goddess-worshiper” bonus! I DO NOT KNOW how or if the $10 bonus gift will affect your end-of-year paycheck! I work in HUMAN resources — NOT FINANCIAL Resources. As such, I do not control your stinking financial situation!!!! I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET and that’s all I need to know!!!!!!!!!!!!

   And about the address changes for the ‘special announcement’: I have been asking FOR MONTHS for everyone to update their mailing address. If ONE MORE IDIOT comes to me now to update their Fr#*#*$ address, they’re going to take one in the gut! You come to my office and try to change your address now, and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE CHANGE OF ADDRESSES!!!!!! Any one who tries… I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

I MEAN IT!!!

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DATE: December 13

FROM: Patty
TO: All YOU A$$H*Le5
SUBJECT:The F******* Office Holiday Party

    BIO-SUSTAINABLE ORGANIC-VEGANS!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Italian Restaurant whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll eat from the #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. — But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes SCREAM when you slice them! I’ve heard them scream! I’m hearing them scream right now! HOW MANY INNOCENT TOMATOES HAVE

    YOU

TORTURED AND KILLED? >>>>>>> HA, HA, HA !
I hope you ALL have a rotten, lousy, stinking, depressing, joyless holiday! Drive drunk and DIE!!!!! You HEAR ME????????

The B—- from HELL!!!!!!!!

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DATE: December 13

FROM: Terri Bishop, Executive Director and Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party

   I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and hospitalization and I’ll continue to forward your get-well cards to her at Covenant Mental Health. In the meantime, company management has decided to cancel our annual Holiday Party to give everyone paid time off the afternoon of December the 23rd to spend time with their family and loved ones.

Happy Holidays! and enjoy your family time,

Terri

In this scene from the Pink Panther , the French policeman, Jacques Clouseau, tries to learn flawless English. But he has trouble with the word “hamburger,” especially later, when he is under the stress of the airport’s security guards.

Batman interrogates the Joker

The mile-high Aussie Burger.