Archive for the ‘Old Age’ Category

classified ad

A retired doctor decided his hometown could use the services of an additional medical provider, so he left retirement and hung out his shingle for the second time in his life. To drum up business, he took out an ad in the local paper announcing his return to the practice of medicine. The ad said “Experienced Doctor opening medical clinic in town, is now accepting new patients. ‘I Can heal any condition for only $300. Results guaranteed or I will give you $1000 cash back.'”

Eventually, one of the younger doctors in town started losing business to the older man. He decided to exact revenge on the older provider. He would pretend to be a patient, and fake an illness that the older doctor couldn’t heal. Then he’d, take his $1000 cash offer.

The young doctor went in and said, “Doctor, I’ve got an illness that no other physician has been able to cure. I have lost all sense of taste in my mouth, I can’t enjoy food any more.”

The older doctor called out, “Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

As the nurse placed the drops on the young doctor’s tongue, he screamed out, “Are you trying to kill me? That’s kerosene!!!”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

A week went by and the young doctor returned.”Doctor, I have memory problems. I can’t remember anything.”

The older doctor asked, “How long has this been going on?”

“How long has what been going on?” replied the younger doctor, feeling mighty smug.

“I see,” said the elder.”Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

“No way!”, said the younger doctor, “‘Formula #2’ is kerosene.”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

The younger doctor pouted for a week then decided to give the old man a final challenge.This time he would pretend to be blind. Donning dark glasses and a cane, he went to see the older physician. “Doctor, I’ve gone blind, I can’t see a thing anymore.” he said. After a series of inconclusive tests, the young man said, “Doc, just admit you can’t do anything for me and give me my thousand dollars.”

The older doctor says, “You’re right, I may have been a little ambitious. Here’s your thousand dollars,” He counted out loudly: “$100 – $200 – $300 – $400…” as he placed ten $10 bills on the examination table.

“Hey, that’s not a thousand dollars,” objected the younger doctor, “that’s only a hundred. What are you trying to pull?” To which the elder replied, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

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Now, about that Hearing Aid

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , , , ,
older man with younger girl

Oh, to be young!

Morris, an 82 year-old man in spry condition, went to the doctor for his annual physical. For the most part, the man was very healthy, although the doctor did notice an irregularity with the man’s heart. Concerned that physical stress might worsen his heart’s condition and possibly threaten the man’s life, the doctor warned him against any heart-strenuous activities.

A few days later, the doctor saw the older man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm, and from the way they were acting, it was obvious the man had ignored the doctor’s advice and found himself a sexual playmate. Now, Morris had been a patient of the doctor’s for years, and had always followed the doctor’s advice. The doctor considered Morris a friend, and was hurt that he ignored this piece of crucial advice.

A couple of days later, the doctor’s concern outweighed his annoyance, and he called Morris.

“Morris, you and I have been friends a long time, haven’t we?” the doctor began.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and you’ve always followed my advice,” he continued.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and because you have followed my advice, you’re really doing great, aren’t you?” he asked.

“well, certainly, Doc,” Morris said, and added, “I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at…”

The doctor let him have it full-force: “Well, Morris, You came into my office the other day and I saw something that concerned me, so I gave you some advice and you just totally ignored me. The other day, I saw you with some hoochie-girl and it’s clear that you are in a very physical relationship.”

Morris replied, “But I am following you advice, Doc. You said, ‘You get a hot mama, pursue strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, and pursuant to strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be careful.”

Remembering Ice Cream

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , ,

ice-cream-strawberries

Ice cream with strawberries.


   A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that mentally, they’re fine. He advises them that if they’re having trouble remembering things, they might want to start writing things down.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of vanilla ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I don’t want you to forget that, so write it down.’ she says.

Irritated, he replies, ‘Dang it, woman, I don’t need to write it down! I can remember it: Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he ambles into the kitchen and she hears him getting out bowls and flatware. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate in disbelief.

‘I told you, you should have written it down, she quips, ‘You forgot the toast.’

 

   One of the distinguishing features of small Southern towns is that everybody in town knows everyone else. This is especially true with the older generations who were not as mobile as their younger counterparts. In the courtroom of one of those small Southern towns, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was an elderly, but spry woman, sharp as a tack and very vocal.

   The prosecuting attorney approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I know you, Billy Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot driving your big fancy car and wearing your fancy clothes when you haven’t the brains to realize that everybody in town knows that you’re a fake and you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you, Billy Williams.”

   The prosecutor was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room at the defense attorney and asked, “Well, Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I know Johnny. I’ve known Johnny Bradley since he was a youngster. He’s lazy, he’s bigoted, he’s boisterous and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone because he’s too arrogant. His law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated to pass the board. And speaking of cheating, he’s cheated on his wife with three different women, and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know Johnny Bradley all too well.”

   The defense attorney stood helpless. The prosecuting attorney was in shock. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either one of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”


   An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an home intruder.

   She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and all she could think to do was to call on the Lord’s assistance by quoting scripture – the first scripture that came to mind. So she yelled, “Stop! I have Acts 2:38 to protect me!”

Act 2:38 – “Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.”

   The burglar immediately stopped in his tracks and lay face-down, prostrate on the floor. When he did, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

   As the police officer handcuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “So, why did you just stop and lay down in the floor? All the old lady did was yell scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “No, she said she had an Axe and Two .38s to protect her!”

Praise the Lord!

 
   The old man’s stomach was bothering him. He knew he should not have had the Bran Flakes before church. Not wanting to get up and disrupt the service, he decided to just let it ease out without drawing attention. Unfortunately, he choose to release during the quietest part of the church service. He leaned over and told his wife, “I just let out a ‘silent but deadly,’ what should I do?” She replied, “Put new batteries in your hearing aid.”

 
 
 
   She was a really cute brunette, sitting there in her white top and tan shorts with her Starbuck’s Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte. But you could tell something was bothering her. Bothering her on a physical level. She was very uncomfortable. The music was somewhat loud and you could tell she was enjoying it. Then I saw it. And I heard it. She started swaying back and forth, timing her farts with the beat of the music. After a few short bursts she started to feel better. She finished her coffee and smiled at me. I smiled back, and then suddenly she realized she was listening to her iPod.

My first blind date

Happy Valley Retirement Village