Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category


   Perhaps there is nothing in social relations that produces more terror than The Annual Office Christmas Party. There is reportedly no worse source of nightmares. yet every year, we dutifully shuffle off to endure this one night of expected torture.

   1. It’s a party and it’s supposed to be fun — yet it is precisely not fun. Indeed, anyone seeking fun would most probably and more likely find it almost anywhere else. But we are governed by items two and three:

   2: Everyone there appears as though they are there to see and socialize with other co-workers, when really they are there only to protect their precarious economic position. After all, if two co-workers really wanted to see each other, then why do they communicate by email when they sit in adjacent cubicles?

   3: In its apparently voluntary nature, it appears to make people welcome and to feel like they belong to the corporate whole, yet the discerning observer will notice exactly the opposite. Namely, the fellowship degrades into intimate gatherings of gossipy individuals who previously alienated themselves from the corporate whole.

The only thing I can think of that’s worse than having to attend the Annual Office Christmas Party, is having to host the annual office Christmas party.

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DATE: December 1

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Christmas Party on December 23d

   I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Italian Bistro. This gathering is only for employees! There will be a pay-as-you-go bar, but plenty of free eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols… so feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! The Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. and we will exchange gifts among employees. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the gift-giving easy on everyone’s pocketbook. A special announcement will be made by our CEO at the end of the evening!

Merry Christmas to you and your families,

Patty

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DATE: December 2

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. Christmas is an important holiday which often coincides with Hanukkah, though unfortunately not this year. The CEO has asked me to remind you that the company does not discriminate against any employees based on religious beliefs. However, to prevent this misconception, from now on we’re calling it our “Office Holiday Party.” This same policy applies for employees who will be celebrating “Kwanzaa” at this time. Also, there will be a “Holiday” tree present, and we will not be singing “Christmas” carols. However, we will have other types of music playing for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your families,

Patty

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DATE: December 5

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   Regarding the note I received from a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous who was requesting a special “non-drinking table”… You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate your request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “Alcoholics Anonymous Table” you won’t be anonymous anymore.

Patty

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DATE: December 6

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   Forget about the gift exchange at the office holiday party. We will have no gift exchange since the Worker’s Union contacted me with a grievance that they are being forced to give gifts to management. Instead, the executive board has voted to add a $10.00 bonus to each employee’s paycheck. Again, NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED. Remember, our own “little Santa in a red suit” will be making an important announcement at the end of the evening.

Patty

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DATE: December 7

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Luigi’s has agreed to hold off on serving the meals until the end of the party — after the planned events — or else they can package everything for take-home. Will that work?

   Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit the farthest from the dessert buffet and the two pregnant women will get a table closest to the restrooms. Gay male employees do not have to sit at the ‘Singles’ table, they will be allowed to sit with each other as a couple, and the lesbians do not have to sit at the table with the single gay men, unless they want to. Yes, there will be a take-home flower centerpiece on the ‘Single Gay Men’s’ table.

   To the person who asked if they can cross-dress, no cross-dressing is allowed. This is a Holiday party, not a costume party. Also, we will have three booster seats on hand for our ‘little’ people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet and a cheese-and-bean dish will be substituted for the meat entrée for the vegetarians. We cannot control the amount of salt used in the food, so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste their food first before loading up a plate. the restaurant does not serve “sugar-free” desserts, but there will be a limited quantity of fresh fruits for the Diabetics. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?
Patty

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DATE: December 8

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   I have just been informed that December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. However, fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the open burning of sage by our “Earth-Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???… I don’t know what else you can expect me to do, maybe tap-dance naked on the tables?

P

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DATE: December 11

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   People, people! I was joking about the naked tap-dancing . I realize NOBODY wants to see that!.

   Also, there was nothing sinister intended by my referral of the CEO as “our own little Santa in a red suit,” even though some employees pointed out the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan” and Satan wears red. And there is no evil connotation to my earlier remark, “that he’ll be making a special announcement.” No one is losing their jobs! It’s a flippin’ tradition, folks! Like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Get over it! Could we all just lighten up? Please?????????
Regardless, the company has changed their mind about making the special announcement at the gathering. You will instead get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

P

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DATE: December 12

FROM: Patty
TO: All you #%&$**@ Employees
SUBJECT:The %#*&^%@*% Office Holiday Party

   I have NO FREAKIN’ idea what the G*&#&p;8^ announcement is all about. What the %#&^??? I DO NOT KNOW if it is about a “Christmas-” or “Holiday-” or “Kwanzaa-” or “Ramadan-” or “Earth-goddess-worshiper” bonus! I DO NOT KNOW how or if the $10 bonus gift will affect your end-of-year paycheck! I work in HUMAN resources — NOT FINANCIAL Resources. As such, I do not control your stinking financial situation!!!! I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET and that’s all I need to know!!!!!!!!!!!!

   And about the address changes for the ‘special announcement’: I have been asking FOR MONTHS for everyone to update their mailing address. If ONE MORE IDIOT comes to me now to update their Fr#*#*$ address, they’re going to take one in the gut! You come to my office and try to change your address now, and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE CHANGE OF ADDRESSES!!!!!! Any one who tries… I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

I MEAN IT!!!

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DATE: December 13

FROM: Patty
TO: All YOU A$$H*Le5
SUBJECT:The F******* Office Holiday Party

    BIO-SUSTAINABLE ORGANIC-VEGANS!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Italian Restaurant whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll eat from the #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. — But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes SCREAM when you slice them! I’ve heard them scream! I’m hearing them scream right now! HOW MANY INNOCENT TOMATOES HAVE

    YOU

TORTURED AND KILLED? >>>>>>> HA, HA, HA !
I hope you ALL have a rotten, lousy, stinking, depressing, joyless holiday! Drive drunk and DIE!!!!! You HEAR ME????????

The B—- from HELL!!!!!!!!

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DATE: December 13

FROM: Terri Bishop, Executive Director and Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party

   I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and hospitalization and I’ll continue to forward your get-well cards to her at Covenant Mental Health. In the meantime, company management has decided to cancel our annual Holiday Party to give everyone paid time off the afternoon of December the 23rd to spend time with their family and loved ones.

Happy Holidays! and enjoy your family time,

Terri


   An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an home intruder.

   She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and all she could think to do was to call on the Lord’s assistance by quoting scripture – the first scripture that came to mind. So she yelled, “Stop! I have Acts 2:38 to protect me!”

Act 2:38 – “Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.”

   The burglar immediately stopped in his tracks and lay face-down, prostrate on the floor. When he did, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

   As the police officer handcuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “So, why did you just stop and lay down in the floor? All the old lady did was yell scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “No, she said she had an Axe and Two .38s to protect her!”

Praise the Lord!

Charlton Heston as Moses, receiving the commandments of God

   The third book of the Bible, Leviticus, is named for the Levites, the sons of Jacob from which the priests were drawn. Leviticus could be described as a manual for the priests as it contains detailed “rules” and “rituals” that ensure God’s approval and harmony between God and mankind. The “rules” are written in an authoritative voice, and repetition is used to aid in memory.

Now here are house rules written in the style of the Old Testament book, Leviticus:

Chapter 1 – Laws Concerning Food

1. Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

2. Of the hoofed animals, whole or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.

3. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.

4. Of the quiescently frozen desserts and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

5. Of the juices, red or blue, or other such colored beverages you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.

6. Indeed, when you reach the place where the carpet begins, there of any food or beverage you may not eat, neither may you drink.

7. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither put any item in it, nor bread, nor cookie, nor fingers, for that is not what they are for. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not
bite it upon its edge and by your teeth remove the lip or neither hold it to your face and make quacking noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

8. When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not do so, even if your brother or your sister hath done the same to you.

9. Eat neither eat bugs nor sand. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food, neither eat the crayon nor the pencil nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your mouth. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

Chapter 2 – Laws About the Table

1. And if you are seated at the table, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting boo-boo to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

2. Sit just as I have instructed you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have
said, it will come to pass.

3. And though you may find a magic marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.

Chapter 3 – Laws Pertaining to Dessert

1. For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

2. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

3. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert;

4. and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

5. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

Chapter 4 – On Screaming

1. This is the command of your father, that thou shalt not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.

2. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling. But I say to you, scream not.

3. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain thyself from screaming.

4. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that loud sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet I do not die.

Chapter 5 – Concerning Cleanliness

1. Do not rub your dirty hands against the walls of my palace as ye go past, for it is not right that you should do so.

2. Press not your finger into your nose, neither remove the substance contained within, for it is a vile abomination.

3. Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes, that I may more easily wash your face. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket
of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still;

4. Hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

5. Cast your body into the water of the tub that ye may be fully cleaned. But drink not of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind.

Chapter 6 – Laws About Animals

1. Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?

2. Neither throw the hamster across the room, nor drop it in the swimming pool, for it shall not be.

3. Neither chase the bird about its cage, for I have purchased the animals and I shall protect them.

4. Forget not what I said about the tape.

Chapter 7 – Disobedience

1. O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.

2. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straight-away, “Can I come out?” and I reply, “No, you may not come out.” Yet again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Chapter 8 – Concerning Money

1. Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before.

2. For your health, that you may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know. For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one.

3. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.

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Written by Ian Frazier in the article Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father. © The Atlantic Monthly, Feb 1997 v279 n2 p89(2). Modified without permission .

It was Sunday morning, and all the family was bustling, getting ready for church. Except dad.

“Honey”, his wife said, “Get up and get going or you’ll be late for church.”

“I don’t want to go to church today,” he replied. “You know, I’m kind of over it. The Music Minister never sings any songs I like, the Youth Pastor doesn’t like me. The deacons are always calling, wanting me to do something for them. Sunday School is boring. And there are people sleeping during the sermon! It just gets me down.”

   “Well, I can tell you three good reasons you should be in church today: One, there are people there who genuinely love you and will miss your fellowship if you’re not there. Two, God has blessed us with the freedom in this country to worship wherever and however we like, and you should be thankful and take advantage of that blessing. Third, you’re the Pastor, so get up and get in the shower.”

   Senior Pastor, Worship Leader, Minister, Youth Leader, Preacher, they’re all Pastors, and we put them on a pedestal. Even though they’re just men like you and I, we expect a little more from them. Right or wrong, we expect them to be better than we are ourselves. And in a lot of ways they are. Here are the TOP TEN Reasons you should appreciate your Pastor.

#10 – You Never catch him snoring during the service or congregational prayer.

# 9 – He rarely ever misses a service to go fishing or watch a ball game.

# 8 – He knows all the words and tunes to all the hymns.

# 7 – He remembers every single prayer request – even the one about your great-uncle Tom’s first cousin twice removed’s oversized gall bladder.

# 6 – You can trust him with your children.

# 5 – He never complains that the sermon was too long.

# 4 – He’s the only one who can find the book of Obadiah without looking in the index.

# 3 – He actually encourages teenagers to come to church.

# 2 – He knows every member’s name without having to look in the church directory.

And the number one reason you appreciate your pastor:

— Even if there wasn’t a little fish on his car, he would NEVER cut you off in traffic like you just did him.

Kid’s notes to God

Posted: May 31, 2012 in Family, Kids, Religion
Tags: , , , ,

 

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   A country preacher was delivering a Spirit-filled message one Sunday, when he stopped to see if his message was getting across.

“Who wants to go to Heaven?” he shouted.

Everyone’s hand went up amid shouts of Amen and Hallelujah , except for one young man in the back.

He shouted again, “I tell you it’s gonna’ be a great place – Now, who wants to go to Heaven?”

Again, there were shouts of excitement from the congregation and all hands went up – except this young guy in the back.

Well, maybe he didn’t hear me, the preacher thought. I’ll give it one more try. So he called out clear and loud, “At last we’ll be with God our Maker, Now who wants to GO TO HEAVEN?”

Again there was no response from the guy in the back.

The preacher couldn’t stand it. Why wouldn’t this guy raise his hand? “You sir, in the back. You didn’t raise your hand. Don’t you want to go to Heaven when you die?” the preacher asked. “Oh, yeah… when I die,” the guy replied and sheepishly raised his hand. “I thought you was gettin’ up a crowd to go right now.”