Posts Tagged ‘daughter’

McMonopoly

Posted: October 11, 2012 in Family, Food, Kids, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

McDonalds' Monopoly Gamepiece - peel it
to reveal a winner.

   McDonald’s just launched their 20th annual Monopoly game contest. When you buy certain food and drink items from McDonald’s, you get two or four game pieces attached to the packaging. You peel the game pieces off to reveal either an instant win coupon or a monopoly property card that you collect for a big prize.

   My daughter has always been a fan of these games of chance. One Christmas, when she was about 10, she wanted to hang around the store after we bought our Christmas gifts so she could win the door prize. I tried my best to discourage her so we could go home, but she begged, and so we stayed. She won the door prize — a diamond bracelet worth about $200.

   The other night, the family was eating at McD’s, and my daughter pulls her Monopoly game pieces from her drink cup. WINNER! She wins a free Tropical Smoothie.

    She goes up to the counter to claim it, and she comes back with a large milk shake instead. The guy behind the counter made another customer the wrong drink, so he let my daughter have it for free… WINNER! Oh and, by the way, the milk shake had two more Monopoly pull-off pieces. You guessed it. WINNER! – She wins a free order of fries to go with that milk shake and smoothie.

   So what did I get on my drink cup Monopoly pull-offs? Luxury tax and GO STRAIGHT TO JAIL.

   This letter is written from a farm kid going through boot camp at Parris Island Marine Corps Recruit Depot

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Dear Ma and Pa: 

   I am well. Hope y’all are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps is easy and beats working for old man Minch by a country mile. They really ought to join up quick before all the places are filled.

   I was restless at first because they make you stay in bed till nearly 5:00 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleepin in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you has to do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine your boots and buckles. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, hay to lay… practically nothing. Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, they’ve even got warm water.

   Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on the pork chops, fried potatoes, salt cured ham, steak, sausage, gravy and biscuits and other regular breakfast foods, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by some city boys that live on coffee and doughnuts. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk far.

   Speakin of walkin; we go on “route marches” which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to toughen us up. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. The countryside is nice but awfully flat. We don’t climb hills or nothin. Them city guys get sore feet and we all get to ride back in trucks. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags us a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

   This next part will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting! I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is purt-ear as big as a chipmunk’s head and it don’t move, and it ain’t shooting back at you like the Higgett boys do at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

   Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that guy Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

   Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

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Letter from a hillbilly mom

Letter from a college friend

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow,
she was pretty as could be.

She had a grown-up daughter
with flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her
and soon they too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
Now my daughter is my mother,
’cause she is my father’s wife.

To complicate the matter worse
– although he brought me joy –
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
a brother-in-law of Dad
and so became my uncle
though that’s not what was so bad:

For if he was my uncle,
then he also was a brother
to the widow’s grown-up daughter
who was also my step-mother.

Then Dad’s wife had a son
who kept them on the run.
He also was my grand-son
for he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mom
and it still makes me blue,
because although she is my wife,
she is my grandma too.

Since my wife is my grandmother,
and I am her grandchild,
every time I think of it
it really is quite wild,

for now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw:
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Little girls lined up in the floor for a sleepover

   My daughter is a very social girl and is always being invited to parties. This week, she’s invited to this girl’s birthday party, that girl’s Summer cookout, and another girl’s sleepover. The trouble is, we don’t find out about a Friday-night-to-Saturday-morning sleepover until after school late on the Friday of. Then it’s, “You didn’t get me a present to take to the party? Yes, I did, I told you two weeks ago that Vicky’s birthday was sometime this month, and she said she was going to invite me if she had a party…” Somehow, there is special coding in the previous sentence that translates to “I’d like to attend Vicky’s slumber party on the 15th starting at six o’clock Friday evening and ending around 9:00 Saturday morning.”

   Regardless, this was one of those days. Except it was a day party on a Sunday. We darted out of the church house as soon as the last note was sung, had to run to Wal Mart and purchase a present, wrap it with tape and tissue paper purchased at the Dollar Store, get Rachael to sign a Drug Store birthday card, and deliver our daughter with a wrapped present and card to the door of her friend’s house, hopefully before noon.

   We barely made it. We told Rachael we would pick her up 7:00 p.m. before the evening service at church.

   The weather turned off bad that evening. It got cold and dark, and started to rain. My wife pulled in the driveway and instructed me to go in and get our daughter. I dashed through the rain and rang the doorbell. The man of the house answered the door.

“Hello, can I help you?” he said.

I said, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”

“Oh, okay” he said, and he looked a little disappointed. “She’s in the kitchen,” he told me.

“Rachael,” he called, “There’s a man here to pick you up.” Then to me, “She’ll be right out.”

So I stood there, exchanging pleasantries with the man; Where do you work? Have you lived here long? How many children do you have? That kind of chatter. Eventually, a nice-looking lady with long black hair came out of the kitchen and asked me, “Who are you, again and where are you taking me?”

I clarified, “I’m here to pick up Rachael.”

“Yes, I’m Rachel,” she said. And the man added, “my wife, Rachel.”

“I’m here for my daughter, Rachael.” They both looked confused.

“She’s supposed to be at a party at Anna’s?” I added.

“Oh, Anna lives next door!” they said with a huge sigh of relief. We all had a good, but embarrassing laugh. I apologized for the inconvenience I had done them, and bid them good night.

However, I thought I heard him say as he shut the door behind me, “So, there’s nothing real important we need to talk about tonight, is there?”

student driver

‘Student Driver’ – an entry in the Houston, TX
Art Car Parade.

   As my daughter was learning to drive, we got to the point I was ready to teach her how to drive a car with a standard shift transmission. Unfortunately, the only vehicle I have with a manual transmission is my Porsche 911, so I was as nervous as she was.

   I would make sure she did all the pre-drive checks: adjust the seat, check the rear view mirrors, look for warning lights on the dashboard, etc. Then she could drive around the block, and return to the house. Unless there was possibility of loss of life, limb, or damage to personal property, I was going to try to not say a word until after she had finished the drive and parked again safely in our driveway.

   She got in and I could see her going through the important points in her mind. She adjusted the seat. Check. She looked in the mirrors at the view behind, and not just her hair and makeup, I assumed. Check. She latched her seat belt. Check. She started the engine. Check.

Then she just sat there.

   “Go ahead,” I encouraged. But she just sat there. Now I could see panic starting to overcome her. “Just relax and drive the car,” I said. “You’ve done this all before.”

“I forgot about the prindle,” she said.

“What?” I asked.

“The prindle! What do I do with the prindle?” I could hear the anxiety in her voice.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,honey” I said.

She blurted out, “I don’t know where the prindle goes! It’s not labelled!”

“Honey, what do you mean?” I could feel the tension building in the air.

Exasperated, she said, “I don’t know what to do with the prindle. On the other car, it’s clearly labelled: P-R-N-D-2-L!”

Priorities, man

The New Ford Mustang – first drive

My daughter may be all grown up and seem to be a mature woman to you, but to me, even if she's 30 years old, she will still be my little girl.

Rules for Dating My Daughter

 

Rule #1: Picking her up
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure NOT picking anything up.

Rule #2: Proper attire
   I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they fall off their hips. I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may date my daughter with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, however, in order to ensure that your pants do not “fall off” during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place. ‘Hot pants’, ‘short-shorts’ and ‘topless’ are never acceptable… on either of you.

Rule #3: The Wait
As you sit in my front room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour has passed, do not sigh and fidget or roll your eyes at me. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car or clean my toilets?

Rule #4: Topics of discussion
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule #5: Lies, drinking, foul language, drugs
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be dim-witted, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

  • If you are planning on drinking alcohol – don’t.
  • If you plan on using foul language – don’t.
  • If you plan to use drugs – don’t.

If you plan on lying to me about any of the preceding topics – don’t. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and several acres of woodland. Do not lie to me.

Rule #6: Where you may and may not go
The following places are considered appropriate for a date with my daughter:

  • Shoney’s
  • Pizza Hut
  • Taco Bell
  • McDonald’s

– I realize that Denny’s is open 24 hours a day. Eating there between 8:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. is OK. Eating there between 10:30 p.m. and 8:30 the next morning is not.

– Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are OK. Disney movies are even better.

The following places are considered inappropriate for a date with my daughter:

  • Places where there are beds
  • places where there are sofas
  • places with anything softer than a wooden stool
  • Places where there is darkness
  • Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or hugging going on
  • Places where the temperature is warm enough to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts

School functions are okay, church is better, Retirement Homes are even better.

Rule #7: Eye and hand contact
   Do not stare at, or touch my daughter inappropriately. You may glance at her, and admire her dress, but you do not stare anywhere below her neck. You may look at her face. You may look in her eyes. But remember, her eyes are not anywhere near her necklace, so you should not be spending a lot of time looking there. Do not touch her ANYWHERE below the neckline either. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.

Rule #8: Sex
   There will not be any.

Rule #9: Your physical well-being
   I was in the military. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a ‘chopper coming in over Mogadishu. When my Battlefield Post-Traumatic Stress starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns. For your own well-being, as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a loud, clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and depart – there is no need for you to come inside. I will be awake.

Rule #10: Termination of the relationship
   I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. As long as my daughter understands this, it is fine with me. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her, and no one else but her, until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


A Dating Questionnaire

TOP TEN traits of a Girlie-Girl

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Before any boy dates my daughter, he will complete the attached Dating Questionnaire

~~ APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER ~~

NOTE: This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, family lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

— SECTION 1 : GENERAL INFORMATION —

FULL NAME ___________________________________
NICKNAMES? ____________________ “STREET” NAMES _______________________
Explain why you have these nicknames _____________________________________
______________________________________________________________________

AGE _________ DATE OF BIRTH _________________
Is your date of birth within 2 years of my daughter’s? ____ Yes ____ No

HEIGHT _____________ WEIGHT ______________ IQ _____________ GPA _____________

SOCIAL SECURITY # _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE # _____________________

Boy Scout rank and badges earned ____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS ___________________________ CITY/STATE ______________ ZIP ______

Do you have 2 parents? ___ Yes ___ No
Is one male and the other female? ___ Yes ___ No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________

Are your parents married? ____ Yes ___ No
Number of years they have been married _______
If less than your age, explain ______________________________________________

Where do you live?
___ With parents ___ Dorm room ___ With friends ___ My own place ___ Wherever

— SECTION 2: LIFESTYLE —

Do you own or have access to:
   a van? ___ Yes ___ No
   a truck with oversized tires? ___ Yes ___ No
   a waterbed? ___ Yes ___ No

Do you have:
   a tattoo? ___ Yes ___ No
   an earring, nose ring or any other piercing? ___ Yes ___ No
   (pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?)

Do you:
   Use tobacco? ___ Yes ___ No
   Smoke weed? ___ Yes ___ No
   Drink alcohol? ___ Yes ___ No
   Huff? ___ Yes ___ No
   Take drugs? ___ Yes ___ No
   Have sex regularly? ___ Yes ___ No

(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS, YOU MAY DISCONTINUE
YOUR APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES QUICKLY AND IMMEDIATELY.)

— SECTION 3: ESSAY —

Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘LATE’ means to you.

__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ means to you.

__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Describe in 50 words or less, what ‘ABSTINENCE’ means to you.

__________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

— SECTION 4: REFERENCES —

Church you attend ________________________________________________________

How often do you attend? _________________________________________________

When would be the best time to meet your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________

— SECTION 5: RULES OF DATING —

Click HERE to read the TEN RULES OF DATING my daughter.

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16-year-old weds 51-year-old “Lost” star

TEN RULES OF DATING my daughter.