Posts Tagged ‘girl’

Now, about that Hearing Aid

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , , , ,
older man with younger girl

Oh, to be young!

Morris, an 82 year-old man in spry condition, went to the doctor for his annual physical. For the most part, the man was very healthy, although the doctor did notice an irregularity with the man’s heart. Concerned that physical stress might worsen his heart’s condition and possibly threaten the man’s life, the doctor warned him against any heart-strenuous activities.

A few days later, the doctor saw the older man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm, and from the way they were acting, it was obvious the man had ignored the doctor’s advice and found himself a sexual playmate. Now, Morris had been a patient of the doctor’s for years, and had always followed the doctor’s advice. The doctor considered Morris a friend, and was hurt that he ignored this piece of crucial advice.

A couple of days later, the doctor’s concern outweighed his annoyance, and he called Morris.

“Morris, you and I have been friends a long time, haven’t we?” the doctor began.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and you’ve always followed my advice,” he continued.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and because you have followed my advice, you’re really doing great, aren’t you?” he asked.

“well, certainly, Doc,” Morris said, and added, “I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at…”

The doctor let him have it full-force: “Well, Morris, You came into my office the other day and I saw something that concerned me, so I gave you some advice and you just totally ignored me. The other day, I saw you with some hoochie-girl and it’s clear that you are in a very physical relationship.”

Morris replied, “But I am following you advice, Doc. You said, ‘You get a hot mama, pursue strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, and pursuant to strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be careful.”

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   The old man’s stomach was bothering him. He knew he should not have had the Bran Flakes before church. Not wanting to get up and disrupt the service, he decided to just let it ease out without drawing attention. Unfortunately, he choose to release during the quietest part of the church service. He leaned over and told his wife, “I just let out a ‘silent but deadly,’ what should I do?” She replied, “Put new batteries in your hearing aid.”

 
 
 
   She was a really cute brunette, sitting there in her white top and tan shorts with her Starbuck’s Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte. But you could tell something was bothering her. Bothering her on a physical level. She was very uncomfortable. The music was somewhat loud and you could tell she was enjoying it. Then I saw it. And I heard it. She started swaying back and forth, timing her farts with the beat of the music. After a few short bursts she started to feel better. She finished her coffee and smiled at me. I smiled back, and then suddenly she realized she was listening to her iPod.

My first blind date

Happy Valley Retirement Village

I love Facebook.     My wife hates it.

   My favorite thing about using Facebook is that I get to practice my evil preponderance for sarcasm in response to posts by friends from all over the U.S.

   For example, in a recent post on Facebook, Jessica uploaded a picture of herself after she fell asleep during a Youth Group overnight trip. Her eyes and nose are covered with black permanent-ink marker, her mouth and cheeks are outlined with red dry-erase marker, and her nose is painted a bright green. In the comment field she posted, “What do you think of my new look?” To which I respond, “What’s different?… oh, a little more mascara.”

or this ditty:

   Amanda’s post which leads herself wide open: “Dang, I forgot to buy a broom while I was out.” Which leads me to respond, “Why do you need a broom? Your car not running?

   A while back, my wife went out of town. The next morning, I get on Facebook like I normally do, and I see a simple post from a female co-worker saying: “It’s 3:00 a.m. I can’t sleep, guess I’ll clean my house.” Innocent enough.

   Instantly, I think of the old clichés: “What are you doing?” “Washing my car.” “You can come wash mine when you’re done!” or “What are you doing?” “Mowing my yard.” “You can mow mine next!” Not very original, but sometimes you need to pay homage to the classics – so I post a response, “Come clean my house…


I wasn’t prepared to handle what happened next.
This simple four-word phrase opened up a whole world of tongue-lashings and verbal abuse from my wife, her family, and her friends that read this post and deemed it totally inappropriate.

then one final post:

  • Tammy: “I’ll see you when I get home.”

 
 

I hate Facebook.

Many, many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow,
she was pretty as could be.

She had a grown-up daughter
with flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her
and soon they too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
and changed my very life.
Now my daughter is my mother,
’cause she is my father’s wife.

To complicate the matter worse
– although he brought me joy –
I soon became the father
of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
a brother-in-law of Dad
and so became my uncle
though that’s not what was so bad:

For if he was my uncle,
then he also was a brother
to the widow’s grown-up daughter
who was also my step-mother.

Then Dad’s wife had a son
who kept them on the run.
He also was my grand-son
for he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mom
and it still makes me blue,
because although she is my wife,
she is my grandma too.

Since my wife is my grandmother,
and I am her grandchild,
every time I think of it
it really is quite wild,

for now I have become
the strangest case you ever saw:
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

 
NEWS ITEM:
 
By Piper Weiss | Shine.com Staff Writer

   Courtney Stodden has us nostalgic for the innocence of Rebecca Black. Like Black, Stodden is a teenager with a really silly video that came out of nowhere and went totally viral. But Stodden’s video isn’t what made her famous this week. It’s her husband, Doug Hutchison, a 51-year-old actor who was in “Lost” and “The Green Mile.” Hutchison wed the 16-year-old last month in a quickie Vegas ceremony.

   He posted their wedding photo on his website and it made their age difference even more terrifying. It looks like a prom photo outtake of a lecherous neighbor drooling over the chest of the high school popular girl next door. It’s the kind of photo that could get a man arrested, if he wasn’t so beloved by Stodden’s family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   That news item reminds me of the time one of the older deacons, Buddy, came to church with a spry, young girl on his arm. She was dressed in a shapely dress, and dripping with jewelry. She was probably in her late 20’s or early 30’s, very cute, friendly, and energetic. Buddy had been a widower for quite some time, so it was a shock to the other deacons to see him escorting such a pretty — and young — lady.

   Filled with curiosity, the other deacons pulled Buddy aside and asked him, “Buddy, How’d you get that cute young thing to be your girlfriend?” Buddy replied, “Oh, she’s not my girlfriend, she’s my new wife.”

“Your new wife?” they asked in astonishment. “How did you talk her in to marrying you?”

Candidly, Buddy replied, “I lied about my age.”

“You didn’t lie and tell her you were 50 did you?”

“Oh, no,” said Buddy, “I told her I was 70.”

A luv letter from Frankie

A dating questionnaire

How do you spell God?

Posted: April 20, 2012 in Kids, Religion
Tags: , , , , , ,

A child's drawing

   The little girl was sitting at the kitchen table quietly coloring while mom was busy cooking dinner. She drew a glorious creature, looking over a city with a big grin. After a while, the little girl stopped coloring and just looked at her masterpiece. Taking up another crayon, she asked her mom, “Mom, How do you spell God?”

   Her mother’s face brightened up to think, that of all the subject matter in the world, her daughter choose to create an image of the Lord Almighty. “God is spelled G – O – D,” she said. The little girl said, “OK. Now, how do you spell ‘Zilla?'”

 
Coloring Hair

Daddy, What is sex?

Posted: April 15, 2012 in Kids
Tags: , , , , ,

   A little girl went to her daddy, who was out working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

   The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He took her on the porch and sat down with her and proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “Why did you ask this question?”

   The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”