Posts Tagged ‘hot’

Now, about that Hearing Aid

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , , , ,
older man with younger girl

Oh, to be young!

Morris, an 82 year-old man in spry condition, went to the doctor for his annual physical. For the most part, the man was very healthy, although the doctor did notice an irregularity with the man’s heart. Concerned that physical stress might worsen his heart’s condition and possibly threaten the man’s life, the doctor warned him against any heart-strenuous activities.

A few days later, the doctor saw the older man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm, and from the way they were acting, it was obvious the man had ignored the doctor’s advice and found himself a sexual playmate. Now, Morris had been a patient of the doctor’s for years, and had always followed the doctor’s advice. The doctor considered Morris a friend, and was hurt that he ignored this piece of crucial advice.

A couple of days later, the doctor’s concern outweighed his annoyance, and he called Morris.

“Morris, you and I have been friends a long time, haven’t we?” the doctor began.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and you’ve always followed my advice,” he continued.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and because you have followed my advice, you’re really doing great, aren’t you?” he asked.

“well, certainly, Doc,” Morris said, and added, “I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at…”

The doctor let him have it full-force: “Well, Morris, You came into my office the other day and I saw something that concerned me, so I gave you some advice and you just totally ignored me. The other day, I saw you with some hoochie-girl and it’s clear that you are in a very physical relationship.”

Morris replied, “But I am following you advice, Doc. You said, ‘You get a hot mama, pursue strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, and pursuant to strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be careful.”



Package of biscuits

‘Whump’ biscuits come in two sizes:
a five-count can, and a ten-count can.

This is a true story. It happened back around 1992. My wife and I had been married for six years and it was still just the two of us; we didn’t have any children yet.

Now my wife is a great cook. She’s so good, she can make sawdust taste good. But there’s one thing she cannot make — biscuits.

Her mother can make biscuits. Her mother makes biscuits that raise a full three inches high and weigh just ounces. Unfortunately, my wife’s biscuits don’t rise so much. In fact, they’re so thin, you can’t cut them in half. You have to use two to make a ham and biscuit sandwich. And they weigh nearly a pound a piece. So my wife sticks to ‘whump’ biscuits.

Whenever my wife would make whump biscuits, she’d pop a roll of ten and cook them up. But we rarely ate more than two or three each. So one day, I noticed in the grocery store that whump biscuits come in five-packs as well! Well, there’s a budget blessing if ever I saw one. I told her that if she bought the five-packs, we would not have to throw out the extra five that came in a ten-count can, and we could save money. I am so smart!! I bought a couple of cans.

That very night, she made biscuits.

I heard her ‘whump’ open a can of biscuits. Then I heard something disturbing: I thought I heard her whump open another can. “What is she doing?’ I asked myself. But I refrained from entering the ‘Forbidden Zone.’ (The kitchen is off-limits when she cooks). When she finally called me to set the table, I peeked in the oven. My greatest fear was realized – There were TEN biscuits in the oven. My mouth started running, not waiting for my brain to engage. “Why did you open two cans of biscuits?” I asked. “Are you stupid? We’ll only eat five and throw the rest away!” I yelled.

“I’ll show you throwing biscuits away!” she countered. Then she took the pan with ten biscuits and tossed it all out in the back yard.

“What are you doing?” I screamed, and I went to pick up the pan from out in the yard. To the side, I saw the neighbors were setting on their back porch watching things transpire. I grabbed the pan and headed back to the house. I took about two steps before I realized the pan was still close to 450 degrees hot. I dropped the pan, and kissed my swelling fingers. Then to show the pan who was boss, I jumped up and down on it and stomped it till there was no life left in it. I glanced over at the neighbor’s porch. At some point, I don’t know when, they had slipped back into their house and shut the blinds. I left the hot pan and half-cooked biscuits sizzling in the grass and headed back to the house empty-handed.

One of us went to bed hungry that night. I’ll let you guess who.

The End of the Roast.

The mighty American dollar - not so mighty any more?

   Everyone agrees that the economy is bad, jobs are scarce, hours long, and pay is low. Personal debt is at an all-time high, homes are being repossessed, and millions of dollars worth of risky investments are being written off the books.

   To be honest, I just vaguely understand how these items indicate that we’re in a troubled economy. Only Economics professors can understand the connection. So I put together a TOP TEN list for us dummies. This list of indicators describe simple, everyday signs that show we’re in tough economic times:

10. The economy is so bad, you order a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asks, “Can you afford fries with that?”

9. It’s so bad, the CEO’s of major companies now play miniature golf.

8. The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks trade higher than General Motors.

7. Wendy’s is now offering the 1/4-ounce single.

6. Motel Six won’t leave the light on unless you call ahead and make a deposit.

5. The economy is so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

4. It’s so bad, the value of a car is determined by the amount of fuel in the tank.

3. Kroger and Food City offer grocery financing.

2. The economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

and the #1 indicator for dummies that the economy is bad:

1. The bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” and you have to call them to ask if they meant you or them.

    I was looking at my post, “How to Spot a Divorced Woman” when I remembered a picture I had seen once about “How to Spot a Rich Man.” Well, I looked for that picture and found it, but I also found a whole bunch more…

So here are picture examples of How to Spot A Rich Man, starting with the classic.

Financial planning

How to spot a Divorced Woman

The Lone Ranger is a fictional masked ex-Texas Ranger who, with his Native American companion Tonto, fought injustice in the American Old West. He first appeared in 1933 in radio and a popular television show that ran from 1949 to 1957 - Wikipedia

   After crossing the hot, dusty plains of west Texas, the Lone Ranger and Tonto rode into the small town of El Paso. They tied their horse to the hitchin’ post and went in a bar for a cool drink of sarsaparilla. The bartender looked up and loudly announced, “We don’t serve Native ‘mericans in here.” The Lone Ranger asked Tonoto to wait outside.

   Soon, a big ranch-hand came in the bar and demanded, “Who owns the white horse tied up out front?” The Lone Ranger replied, “I do.” “Well, he’s hot, and you need to do something about it.” So the Lone Ranger went out to Tonto and asked, “Would you mind running around my horse, to stir up a breeze and cool him down?” “Sure, Kimosabe,” he replied, and the Lone Ranger went back in. Tonto began to run in small circles around the horse.

   Next, the Sheriff walked in the bar and announced, “Who owns the white horse tied up right outside?” “I do, said the Lone Ranger, “why?” The Sheriff replied, “You left your ‘injun runnin'”

Another Lone Ranger joke