Posts Tagged ‘men’

Now, about that Hearing Aid

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , , , ,
older man with younger girl

Oh, to be young!

Morris, an 82 year-old man in spry condition, went to the doctor for his annual physical. For the most part, the man was very healthy, although the doctor did notice an irregularity with the man’s heart. Concerned that physical stress might worsen his heart’s condition and possibly threaten the man’s life, the doctor warned him against any heart-strenuous activities.

A few days later, the doctor saw the older man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm, and from the way they were acting, it was obvious the man had ignored the doctor’s advice and found himself a sexual playmate. Now, Morris had been a patient of the doctor’s for years, and had always followed the doctor’s advice. The doctor considered Morris a friend, and was hurt that he ignored this piece of crucial advice.

A couple of days later, the doctor’s concern outweighed his annoyance, and he called Morris.

“Morris, you and I have been friends a long time, haven’t we?” the doctor began.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and you’ve always followed my advice,” he continued.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and because you have followed my advice, you’re really doing great, aren’t you?” he asked.

“well, certainly, Doc,” Morris said, and added, “I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at…”

The doctor let him have it full-force: “Well, Morris, You came into my office the other day and I saw something that concerned me, so I gave you some advice and you just totally ignored me. The other day, I saw you with some hoochie-girl and it’s clear that you are in a very physical relationship.”

Morris replied, “But I am following you advice, Doc. You said, ‘You get a hot mama, pursue strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, and pursuant to strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be careful.”

 
    I was looking at my post, “How to Spot a Divorced Woman” when I remembered a picture I had seen once about “How to Spot a Rich Man.” Well, I looked for that picture and found it, but I also found a whole bunch more…

So here are picture examples of How to Spot A Rich Man, starting with the classic.


Financial planning

How to spot a Divorced Woman

Father's Day is coming

Buy your man a Pandora Bracelet and Charms for Men

Pandora bracelets and charms for Men

Sildenafil citrate. Sold under the trade name, 'Viagra.'

   

   ATLANTA, Ga – The Federal Food and Drug Administration has announced testing of new formulations of Sildenafil citrate. Sold under the trade name, ‘Viagra’, Sildenafil citrate is a drug used to… let’s just say it helps to please a woman. But now there is a whole family of new drugs scientists are working on in the ‘Viagra’ family that may bring even more pleasure to women:

DRYAGRA – Men taking this formulation will remember to put the toilet seat down.

WASHANDRYAGRA – Men taking this drug, men experienced overwhelming desire to do the laundry.

BUYAGRA – Married men taking this drug reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts.

STIRFRYAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to cook oriental meals and clean up the kitchen afterwards.

BABYBYAGRA- Men taking this drug are more likely to change wet and stinky diapers, and rock the baby to sleep.

NO-LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be fully truthful when being asked questions by their wives. It is available in over-the-counter Regular, and prescription Grand Jury and Presidential Strength.

NO-GUYAGRA – Allows men to give up a night of playing Poker to stay home with their wife.

FLYAGRA – Men taking this drug have the urge to fly their wife to the Caymen islands.

WHEREAMIAGRA – a dose of this drug allows men to stop and ask for directions.

DRYWALLAGRA – Men given this experimental new drug are more likely to finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTAGRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed when their wives had a new hairstyle.

But the most exciting news is in the new formulations that suppress the negative aspects of manhood:

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This very strong drug makes men want to turn off televised sports.

FLATULAGRA – No comment.

After 26 years of marriage, I have learned that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

   The following information was prepared to alert younger men to dangerous questions that they may ask their wives or girlfriends; questions that on the surface have no consequence – but can prove seriously disastrous to a relationship if not worded skillfully.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

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DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

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DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.

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DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

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DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

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And my personal favorite…..

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn’t over do it today.

SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!

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A woman’s lexicon


How old do I look?

 
This is what would happen if men wrote advice columns:

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   Dear Abbott,

   I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as is usual. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine sputtered out and the car stopped. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the kitchen with our neighbor. I am 32, my husband is 34, and our neighbor is 22.

   When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been seeing each other for the past six months. We have been married for ten years. I told him he would have to break it off, or I would leave him. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him that ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.

   Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

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Dear Sheila,

   A car that sputters and quits after being driven a short distance can have a variety of faults. Start by checking the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. If none of those parts seem to be the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing a low delivery pressure to the injectors. Hope this helps.

Abbott

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What’s important in life

Men’s versus women’s points of view