Posts Tagged ‘money’

veteranarian

When she was young, my daughter Rachael had a pet hamster. She named him Wilbur. She would set Wilbur beside her while she watched cartoons on TV and play with him during the commercials. That is, if he didn’t sneak off while she wasn’t paying attention.

Now, hamsters are not known for their longevity. One day Rachael brought Wilbur to me and said something was wrong with him. He was stiff, cold and not breathing.

“Honey, I’m afraid Wilbur is dead.” I said softly.

“No, he isn’t!” she protested.

“I’m pretty sure he is.” I replied.

“No, we have to take him to the doctor, she cried.

So we took him to a veterinarian.

The vet broke the news to Rachael. “Rachael, Your father is correct. It was Wilbur’s time to go, and he is no longer with us.” Then he said to me, “That’ll be $10 for the visit.”

Amid Rachael’s sobbing and disbelief, I asked, “You’re absolutely sure he’s gone?”

“Well, just a minute,” he said, and brought in a calico tabby. The cat licked Wilbur from head to toe, then lowered her head and gave a soft, “meow.” The vet then brought in a Golden Retriever. The dog sniffed Wilbur, then lowered his head and gave a soft, “woof.” “That’s conclusive, said the vet. “He’s definitely dead,” and added, “that will be $250 for the visit.”

“Now wait a minute,” I said, “It was only a $10 visit a minute ago.”

“Well, yes,” said the vet. “That was before you ordered the cat scan and the lab test.”

classified ad

A retired doctor decided his hometown could use the services of an additional medical provider, so he left retirement and hung out his shingle for the second time in his life. To drum up business, he took out an ad in the local paper announcing his return to the practice of medicine. The ad said “Experienced Doctor opening medical clinic in town, is now accepting new patients. ‘I Can heal any condition for only $300. Results guaranteed or I will give you $1000 cash back.'”

Eventually, one of the younger doctors in town started losing business to the older man. He decided to exact revenge on the older provider. He would pretend to be a patient, and fake an illness that the older doctor couldn’t heal. Then he’d, take his $1000 cash offer.

The young doctor went in and said, “Doctor, I’ve got an illness that no other physician has been able to cure. I have lost all sense of taste in my mouth, I can’t enjoy food any more.”

The older doctor called out, “Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

As the nurse placed the drops on the young doctor’s tongue, he screamed out, “Are you trying to kill me? That’s kerosene!!!”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

A week went by and the young doctor returned.”Doctor, I have memory problems. I can’t remember anything.”

The older doctor asked, “How long has this been going on?”

“How long has what been going on?” replied the younger doctor, feeling mighty smug.

“I see,” said the elder.”Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

“No way!”, said the younger doctor, “‘Formula #2’ is kerosene.”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

The younger doctor pouted for a week then decided to give the old man a final challenge.This time he would pretend to be blind. Donning dark glasses and a cane, he went to see the older physician. “Doctor, I’ve gone blind, I can’t see a thing anymore.” he said. After a series of inconclusive tests, the young man said, “Doc, just admit you can’t do anything for me and give me my thousand dollars.”

The older doctor says, “You’re right, I may have been a little ambitious. Here’s your thousand dollars,” He counted out loudly: “$100 – $200 – $300 – $400…” as he placed ten $10 bills on the examination table.

“Hey, that’s not a thousand dollars,” objected the younger doctor, “that’s only a hundred. What are you trying to pull?” To which the elder replied, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

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   When my son was about six or seven, I took him to a Brevard Manatees baseball game. Along about the sixth inning, we were getting fairly hungry and headed down to the concessions booths. We were about fourth or fifth in line when my son announced, “Hey dad, somebody dropped a dollar.”

   I looked down, and between our feet was a dollar bill, folded twice. I told him, “Go ahead and pick it up.” So he bent down and picked up the bill.

   “Dad, should I ask the man in front of us if he dropped it?” he asked. I admired his honesty, but I explained to him a micro-lesson in human behavior: If you offer a person something of value, and ask, ‘Is this yours?’ unscrupulous people will always say ‘yes’ and take your offering, even if it’s not theirs. I told him a better way would be to wait and see if when the man pulls his money out to pay, if he notices the money missing and starts looking around for it, then offer the money you found to him.

   We waited through several customers, and none seemed to be missing some money, so after about five minutes or so, I told my son he could keep the dollar.

   We returned to our seats. We sat down and he unfolded the bill and said, “Dad, it’s not a dollar — it’s twenty dollars!” Then he quickly added, “I think I like baseball.”

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   In many ways, it’s obvious that men and women are different. But there are subtle differences as well. For instance, women sit and walk with their elbows tucked in, men sit and walk with elbows out.

   If you ask a woman to ‘look at her nails,’ she will hold her hand with the back-side up; fingers pointed straight out to see how her nails look compared to each other, and in the overall presentation of hands, fingernails, rings, and bracelets. When you ask a man to ‘look at his nails,’ he will hold his hand palm-up, curling the fingers back to examine the length, cleanliness, and evenness of the nails. When it comes to many subjects, men and women simply have different points of view:

   Nicknames:

– If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other ‘Laura’, ‘Kate’ and ‘Sarah’.
– If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as ‘Fatz’, ‘Moe’ and ‘Dingle’.

   Lunch:

– When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no one will admit they want change back.
– Laura, Kate and Sarah each carry a pocket calculator and a purse full of pennies for such occassions.

   Shopping:

– John will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that he needs.
– Sarah will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.

   Clothing:

– If Laura and Kate wear the same dress to a party, one of them will slip into the restroom and remove their hem or cut the sleeves off, to differentiate themselves. Either way, Laura and Kate will hate each other for months.
– If Mike and Dave wear the same shirt to a party, they will hug and laugh, and joke to everyone that they are really twins separated at birth.

   Vanity items:

– Dave has six items in his bathroom: 1) toothbrush, 2) toothpaste, 3) shaving cream, 4) razor, 5) a comb, and 6) a bar of soap.
– Kate has a least 40 items in the bathroom that she can’t live without. This includes such things as blush brushes in four different firmnesses, an articulated eyelash curler, and both hair-curling and hair-straightening irons. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

   Arguments:

– A woman must have the last word in any argument.
– Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   The future:

– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
– A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

   Success:

– A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
– A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

   Automobiles:

– A man describes a car by year, make, model, trim level, horsepower, torque, and top speed.
– A woman describes a car by color.

   Marriage:

– A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
– A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

   Cleaning up:

– A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
– A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, or get the mail.

   Natural beauty:

– A light beard and mussed hair make a man look ‘rugged’.
– A light beard and mussed hair make a woman look old.

   Children:

– A woman knows all about her children. She knows their bithdays, their next dentist appointment, their best friends, their romances, their favorite foods, their secret fears, and their hopes and dreams.
– A man is aware of some short people living in the house and making noise.

   Closing thought:
– A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Why men don’t write advice columns

Questions and answers about women

Abbot and Costello

'Who's on First?' is a vaudeville comedy routine made most famous by Abbott and Costello. Abbott is identifying the players on a baseball team to Costello, but their nicknames can be interpreted as non-responsive answers to Costello's questions. In this context, the first baseman is named"Who"; thus, the utterance "Who's on first" is ambiguous between the question, "which person is the first baseman?", and the answer, "The name of the first baseman is 'Who'" - Wikipedia.

ABBOTT: Welcome to Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: I hope so. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer.

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. That’s why I’m here. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Do you want to buy a Mac®?

COSTELLO: No, I want to buy a computer. I already told you that!

ABBOTT: So, do you want Windows®?

COSTELLO: If I wanted windows, I’d have gone to Home Depot®. I want a computer.

ABBOTT: Then you’ll probably need Windows.

COSTELLO: My office has windows, two windows and a door as a matter of fact.

ABBOTT: Do you want Windows on your computer?

COSTELLO: I didn’t know computers had windows.

ABBOTT: Not all of them, but most do.

COSTELLO: What do you see in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Wallpaper covers the windows?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Well, never mind the windows. I just need a computer and some software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No! Software for the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. Have you got anything like that?

ABBOTT: Office®?.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend software.

COSTELLO: You recommended software?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: We’ve already been through this: I have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: You’ll need Word®.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in ‘office’ is ‘office’.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in ‘office for windows’?

ABBOTT: You get Word when you click on the blue

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “W” if you don’t start giving me some straight answers. OK, forget all that. I’d like to watch movies on the Internet.

ABBOTT: OK, you’ll want Real One®.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need to watch movies.

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If its a long movie I will also want to see reel 2, reel 3, and reel 4. Can I watch them all?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great, with what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer, and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue ‘1’.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue ‘w’?

ABBOTT: The blue ‘1’ is Real One and the blue ‘W’ is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows”!

ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. Microsoft pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even a part of Office.

COSTELLO: Stop! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money®.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Well, I have money too, and I need to keep track of it.

ABBOTT: Money comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: Money is bundled to my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much does that cost?

ABBOTT: No extra charge.

COSTELLO: How can you give away money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft® gives us a license to distribute Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to distribute money?

ABBOTT: Why not; they own it.

COSTELLO: You can say that again!

 
Trouble