Posts Tagged ‘old’

classified ad

A retired doctor decided his hometown could use the services of an additional medical provider, so he left retirement and hung out his shingle for the second time in his life. To drum up business, he took out an ad in the local paper announcing his return to the practice of medicine. The ad said “Experienced Doctor opening medical clinic in town, is now accepting new patients. ‘I Can heal any condition for only $300. Results guaranteed or I will give you $1000 cash back.'”

Eventually, one of the younger doctors in town started losing business to the older man. He decided to exact revenge on the older provider. He would pretend to be a patient, and fake an illness that the older doctor couldn’t heal. Then he’d, take his $1000 cash offer.

The young doctor went in and said, “Doctor, I’ve got an illness that no other physician has been able to cure. I have lost all sense of taste in my mouth, I can’t enjoy food any more.”

The older doctor called out, “Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

As the nurse placed the drops on the young doctor’s tongue, he screamed out, “Are you trying to kill me? That’s kerosene!!!”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

A week went by and the young doctor returned.”Doctor, I have memory problems. I can’t remember anything.”

The older doctor asked, “How long has this been going on?”

“How long has what been going on?” replied the younger doctor, feeling mighty smug.

“I see,” said the elder.”Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

“No way!”, said the younger doctor, “‘Formula #2’ is kerosene.”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

The younger doctor pouted for a week then decided to give the old man a final challenge.This time he would pretend to be blind. Donning dark glasses and a cane, he went to see the older physician. “Doctor, I’ve gone blind, I can’t see a thing anymore.” he said. After a series of inconclusive tests, the young man said, “Doc, just admit you can’t do anything for me and give me my thousand dollars.”

The older doctor says, “You’re right, I may have been a little ambitious. Here’s your thousand dollars,” He counted out loudly: “$100 – $200 – $300 – $400…” as he placed ten $10 bills on the examination table.

“Hey, that’s not a thousand dollars,” objected the younger doctor, “that’s only a hundred. What are you trying to pull?” To which the elder replied, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

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Now, about that Hearing Aid

Posted: November 15, 2015 in Family, Food, Men vs Women, Old Age
Tags: , , , , , ,
older man with younger girl

Oh, to be young!

Morris, an 82 year-old man in spry condition, went to the doctor for his annual physical. For the most part, the man was very healthy, although the doctor did notice an irregularity with the man’s heart. Concerned that physical stress might worsen his heart’s condition and possibly threaten the man’s life, the doctor warned him against any heart-strenuous activities.

A few days later, the doctor saw the older man walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm, and from the way they were acting, it was obvious the man had ignored the doctor’s advice and found himself a sexual playmate. Now, Morris had been a patient of the doctor’s for years, and had always followed the doctor’s advice. The doctor considered Morris a friend, and was hurt that he ignored this piece of crucial advice.

A couple of days later, the doctor’s concern outweighed his annoyance, and he called Morris.

“Morris, you and I have been friends a long time, haven’t we?” the doctor began.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and you’ve always followed my advice,” he continued.

“Why, yes,” Morris replied.

“and because you have followed my advice, you’re really doing great, aren’t you?” he asked.

“well, certainly, Doc,” Morris said, and added, “I’m not sure what you’re gettin’ at…”

The doctor let him have it full-force: “Well, Morris, You came into my office the other day and I saw something that concerned me, so I gave you some advice and you just totally ignored me. The other day, I saw you with some hoochie-girl and it’s clear that you are in a very physical relationship.”

Morris replied, “But I am following you advice, Doc. You said, ‘You get a hot mama, pursue strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be cheerful.'”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, and pursuant to strenuous physical activity, especially sex, and you should be careful.”

 

 a cute little boy

The little boy was so cute, everyone wanted to pinch his cheeks.

   Little Justin was the epitome of cuteness wrapped in the body of a four-year-old boy. The problem was, he was just too cute. It wasn’t so much the day-to-day living, as it was special functions. Like church.

   Come Sunday morning, all the older ladies of the church would just carry on about Justin’s cuteness, and before he could get away from them, they would grab his cheek betwixt the index finger and the thumb, and give it a pinch. Sometimes they would add a little shaking motion, like a pit bull latched on to a chew toy. It left his cheeks rosy and numb. The pinching was especially bad at weddings. There are even more old women at weddings than there are at church on Sunday. As each one pinched his little cheeks, they’d say “You’re next!”

   Well, Justin finally discovered a way to get the old women to leave his cheeks alone. Whenever he’d go to a funeral, he’d seek out the older women. He’d run up to them, grab their cheeks, and pinch it with a solid twist, look them right in the eye, smile and say, “You’re next!”

The old ladies never bothered Justin after that.

Songwriter Larry LaPrise passes

Newlywed secrets


   An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an home intruder.

   She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and all she could think to do was to call on the Lord’s assistance by quoting scripture – the first scripture that came to mind. So she yelled, “Stop! I have Acts 2:38 to protect me!”

Act 2:38 – “Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.”

   The burglar immediately stopped in his tracks and lay face-down, prostrate on the floor. When he did, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

   As the police officer handcuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “So, why did you just stop and lay down in the floor? All the old lady did was yell scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “No, she said she had an Axe and Two .38s to protect her!”

Praise the Lord!

Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton is the 67th United States Secretary of State, serving in the administration of President Barack Obama. She was a United States Senator for New York from 2001 to 2009.

   
Poor Hillary, bless her heart.

   When Hillary Clinton ran for President in 2008, the top-selling bumper sticker in the Washington DC area was one that said, “Run, Hillary, Run.” The Democrats were snatching it up to put on the back of their cars, and the Republicans were snatching it up to put on the front of theirs.

   During that campaign, Hillary Clinton came to East Tennessee to cultivate a constituency. She and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow who had gotten out of the pasture, wandered in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – he struck and killed the aged bovine.

   Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owner what had happened, and offer to reimburse them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

   About a half-hour later the driver staggered back to the car carrying a huge bag full of fresh beans, corn, tomatoes, peppers, and squash, a half-empty jar of moonshine, and a home-rolled tobacco twist. His face was smeared with lipstick and he was smiling from ear to ear.

“What happened to you?” asked Hillary.

“Well,” the driver replied, “I tried to tell them about hitting their cow, but the farmer started dancing around and gave me the twist, his wife gave me the victuals and the moonshine, and their beautiful twin daughters covered me in kisses!”

“Well, what did you say to them?” asked Hillary.

   The driver replied, “I just stepped up to the door and said, ‘I’m Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow.’ The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it.”

 
   The old man’s stomach was bothering him. He knew he should not have had the Bran Flakes before church. Not wanting to get up and disrupt the service, he decided to just let it ease out without drawing attention. Unfortunately, he choose to release during the quietest part of the church service. He leaned over and told his wife, “I just let out a ‘silent but deadly,’ what should I do?” She replied, “Put new batteries in your hearing aid.”

 
 
 
   She was a really cute brunette, sitting there in her white top and tan shorts with her Starbuck’s Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte. But you could tell something was bothering her. Bothering her on a physical level. She was very uncomfortable. The music was somewhat loud and you could tell she was enjoying it. Then I saw it. And I heard it. She started swaying back and forth, timing her farts with the beat of the music. After a few short bursts she started to feel better. She finished her coffee and smiled at me. I smiled back, and then suddenly she realized she was listening to her iPod.

My first blind date

Happy Valley Retirement Village