Posts Tagged ‘rules’

A Word From Our Gov’ner:
   Welcome to Alabama. Whether you are a new ten-year-old driver moving up from farm tractors to automobiles, or a seventy-year-old driver with two cataracts and a slow response time, this online Alabama Driving Guide will help you to understand and follow Alabama’s traffic laws.

When driving in Alabama, it is important to always drive in the most unconventional and unpredictable manner possible. Doing this keeps the other drivers alert and reduces the chance of accidents. Remember, Alabama is the home of the Talladega Superspeedway, and just like your favorite NASCAR driver, the goal of every Alabama driver is to get to their end-point the fastest, by whatever means necessary.

Right-of-Way Rules:

   As an Alabama driver, you have the right-of-way in all situations.

If anyone infringes on your right-of-way, honk your horn, curse loudly, and gesture wildly to let them know. You may give up the right-of-way whenever it amuses you, or whenever you can’t remember the traffic laws.

Obtaining eye contact with another driver rescinds your right-of-way. It is also a good idea to yield the right-of-way to any vehicle that is bigger and has more steel than yours, especially if you feel like it will come out ahead in the event of an accident.

Pedestrians:
   Pedestrians do not have the right-of-way. Pedestrians should not be in the cross-walk when the light changes. Pedestrians in crosswalks are considered fair game. A little time in the hospital will remind them that you, as the owner of an Alabama-licensed vehicle, always have the right-of-way. Warning!! if you make eye contact with a pedestrian, you give up your right-of-way.

Safe Traveling Distance:

   Under no circumstances should you leave a distance greater than one-half car length between you and the car in front of you. "Share the Road" means leave plenty of space for cars to pull in behind you. If you leave too much space between you and the car in front of you, it will be filled by some other driver who will most likely be traveling slower than you are, putting you both in an even more dangerous situation.

Automotive Lighting

   The primary purpose of headlights are to remind other drivers that you have the right-of-way. Do not use headlights when driving during daylight hours – it just wastes energy. Unless absolutely necessary, do not use your headlights in towns or cities during hours of darkness. That’s what street lights are for. Also, flashing your high beams at other drivers is most effective when coming from an fast-traveling un-lit car.

In rural situations, headlights can be used to allow you to see the road ahead when it gets very dark. Modern cars and trucks do not come equipped with sufficient lighting for rural driving. The state of Alabama strongly recommends you purchase a light bar with at least four high beams if you will be doing any rural driving. During hours of darkness, you may use parking lights and spotlights on back roads, deer stands, and in residential neighborhoods.

Emergency Flashers

Turn on your emergency flashers whenever you:

  • drive in the rain
  • stop for a yard sale
  • haul hay or count cattle in the field
  • tow a disabled pickup
  • drive slower than the speed limit
  • drive faster than the speed limit
  • want cars on a highway to get out of the left lane
  • are not sure if you want to turn right or left
  • back down an exit ramp
  • back up on the interstate

Signaling Your Intentions:

Turn signals give other drivers clues as to your next move. Alabama drivers never use them.

Traffic Lights:

   Alabama traffic lights have three colors: Tuscaloosa red, Auburn orange (some call it yellow), and green.

A red light means “stopping is permitted”. Right turns on red are permitted. If you are quick about it, a left turn on red is permitted. Straight through on red is always permitted. A U-turn on red is permitted.

A yellow light indicates the light is going to turn red, and that you should speed up, otherwise, a yellow light should be treated the same as a red light. Remember, the faster you drive through a yellow or red light, the smaller your chance of getting hit.

A green light simply lets you know that the red and yellow light are off. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left and right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags and good insurance.

Traffic Signs:

   Traffic signs are purely for decoration of the roadside, they are like advertising; just ignore them.

The new electronic traffic warning system signs placed on the interstates are to make Alabama look high-tech and to distract your attention from the police car parked in the median.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and usually not enforced except on vehicles with out-of-state tags.

Traffic Lanes:

   Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is called “going with the flow”. Never pass on the left if there is good paved surface you can use to pass on the right. Don’t worry about people entering the highway; remember, you have the right-of-way . Using the shoulder of the road, an on-ramp, or an off-ramp to pass is perfectly acceptable when when freeway traffic drops below 50 m.p.h.

Maneuvering Your Vehicle:

   When making a turn, announce your intention to turn by looking straight ahead. If turning right, swerve to the left side of the road. If turning left, move slightly on to the right shoulder. If any vehicles impede your turn, honk at them.

Braking Safely:

   Modern vehicles are equipped with Anti-lock Braking Systems (ABS). ABS requires that you brake as hard and as late as possible, also called “stopping short”. Short-stopping insures your ABS system kicks in. What good is it to have the ABS system if you don’t use it? A side benefit to ABS is the nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates If you are in the 80% who drive clunkers without ABS, short-stopping is a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

   Learn to swerve abruptly. Alabama’s oyster-shell roads are a great place to learn high-speed slalom driving and drifting techniques thanks to their naturally slick surface, augmented by the infrequent rains and millions of Alabama cars that leak oil. Also, the Alabama Department of Transportation puts potholes in key locations to test your driver reflexes and keep you alert.

Always slow down and rubberneck whenever you see an accident, someone changing a tire, or a vehicle out of gas. It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a street to check an address, especially during rush-hour.

Passing:

   Speed limits do not apply while passing other cars.

Before passing a car, tailgate to signal to the driver in front of you that they are going too slow.

During the hours of darkness, set your headlights to high beam to convey your intention to pass. Plan your passing move to overtake a slower vehicle at an intersection, highway on-ramp, or off-ramp. Ramps, shoulders, medians and sidewalks allow you extra room for passing.

Announce your intention to pass by looking straight ahead, swerving into the left lane, and pressing the accelerator pedal to the floor. If there is not enough room to pass in the left lane, or you face oncoming traffic, do not abort your passing maneuver as you will confuse other drivers. Lane markings are purely decorative, and you should make the most efficient use of the entire paved surface during passing. A two-lane road with shoulders will easily fit three cars side-by-side; that’s why the shoulders are there. Use the left shoulder to continue your passing maneuver. Remember, when passing a slower vehicle, you have the right-of-way.

Construction Zones:

   Construction Zone signs are set up to tell you about road closures ahead. They are typically set up immediately after you pass the last available exit, but before the traffic begins to back up. A lane closure is just a game used by the Department of Transportation to see how many vehicles can fit in a minimum amount of space.

Driving Practice:

   Female student drivers should practice putting on pantyhose and applying eye makeup at sixty-five miles per hour as well as in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Going Green:

   Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews and Alabama state prisoners something to do to build their self-esteem.

Weather Conditions:

   Heavy snows, ice, fog, or rain is no reason to modify any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are mother nature’s way of ensuring Alabama’s low jobless rate for body shop workers, junk yard owners and new and used vehicle sales staff. After all, we do have our priorities.

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When listening to a college-level professor speak, there is likely to be an air of distinguishment, an aloofness, a specificity in the selection of words that can mask the true meaning. In other words, there is more to what they are saying than what you hear. To explain this phenomiina, here is a table of what the professor says versus what the professor means.

What the Professor says: What the Professor means:
If you follow my simple rules, you’ll do fine in this class. If you can read and comprehend over 200 pages a night and survive without sleep, you’ll do fine in this class.
You’ll be using one of the finest textbooks in the field. You’ll be using a textbook that I’ve written.
Before we begin, are there any questions over the prerequisite reading material? Does anyone have any idea what this class is about?
Today, we will let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience. I haven’t prepared a lesson, so I’m going to use one of you as a scapegoat to cover my shortfall.
Today, we’re discussing a very important topic in the field. Today, we’re discussing my dissertation.
What’s most important is to understand the gist of what the author is saying. I don’t understand the details of this author’s theory.
Various authorities agree… I have a hunch…
Unfortunately, we do not have the time to consider the works of all the people who made a contribution in this field. I totally disagree with roughly half the people who have done work in this field.
According to my sources… According to the guy who taught me this subject…
But I digress… But I’m starting to talk about something interesting…
The implications are clear… I don’t know what all this means, but there will be a question on the test about it.
The final exam will be a 50 question multiple-choice, so everyone should make 100%. The final exam will have 35 multiple-guess questions, 5 trick questions, and 5, 200-word essay questions. No one will score above 75%.
Your test scores were generally good. Some of you managed to get a ‘B’.
Your test scores were slightly below my expectations. Where was the party last night?
Some of you could have done better. No one got a passing grade.
The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class. I don’t know the answer.
You’ll need to see me during office hours for the answer to your question. I don’t know the answer.
In answer to your question, you must realize there are various disparate points of view… I really don’t know the answer.
We can continue this discussion outside of class. I don’t know the answer, and you’re starting to embarrass me.
Any questions? Are you ready to go?
It’s been very rewarding, teaching this class. I hope they find someone else to teach this class next year.

Charlton Heston as Moses, receiving the commandments of God

   The third book of the Bible, Leviticus, is named for the Levites, the sons of Jacob from which the priests were drawn. Leviticus could be described as a manual for the priests as it contains detailed “rules” and “rituals” that ensure God’s approval and harmony between God and mankind. The “rules” are written in an authoritative voice, and repetition is used to aid in memory.

Now here are house rules written in the style of the Old Testament book, Leviticus:

Chapter 1 – Laws Concerning Food

1. Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.

2. Of the hoofed animals, whole or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.

3. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.

4. Of the quiescently frozen desserts and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

5. Of the juices, red or blue, or other such colored beverages you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.

6. Indeed, when you reach the place where the carpet begins, there of any food or beverage you may not eat, neither may you drink.

7. Drink your milk as it is given you, neither put any item in it, nor bread, nor cookie, nor fingers, for that is not what they are for. When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not
bite it upon its edge and by your teeth remove the lip or neither hold it to your face and make quacking noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.

8. When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not do so, even if your brother or your sister hath done the same to you.

9. Eat neither eat bugs nor sand. Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food, neither eat the crayon nor the pencil nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your mouth. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

Chapter 2 – Laws About the Table

1. And if you are seated at the table, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting boo-boo to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

2. Sit just as I have instructed you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have
said, it will come to pass.

3. And though you may find a magic marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.

Chapter 3 – Laws Pertaining to Dessert

1. For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

2. But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

3. But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert;

4. and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

5. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

Chapter 4 – On Screaming

1. This is the command of your father, that thou shalt not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.

2. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling. But I say to you, scream not.

3. Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you, and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain thyself from screaming.

4. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that loud sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even now I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet I do not die.

Chapter 5 – Concerning Cleanliness

1. Do not rub your dirty hands against the walls of my palace as ye go past, for it is not right that you should do so.

2. Press not your finger into your nose, neither remove the substance contained within, for it is a vile abomination.

3. Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes, that I may more easily wash your face. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the breast pocket
of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold yourself still;

4. Hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

5. Cast your body into the water of the tub that ye may be fully cleaned. But drink not of your own bath water, nor of bath water of any kind.

Chapter 6 – Laws About Animals

1. Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?

2. Neither throw the hamster across the room, nor drop it in the swimming pool, for it shall not be.

3. Neither chase the bird about its cage, for I have purchased the animals and I shall protect them.

4. Forget not what I said about the tape.

Chapter 7 – Disobedience

1. O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out. Yes, and even sometimes do you spit, and shout, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.

2. And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in anger. But upon being sent to the corner you ask straight-away, “Can I come out?” and I reply, “No, you may not come out.” Yet again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask again a third time, then you may come out.

Chapter 8 – Concerning Money

1. Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year, and yet again they mount higher than before.

2. For your health, that you may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family within a calendar year. And yet for ordinary visits we still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind, for surely you cannot know. For I will come to you at the first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the bills and a great whining and moan. And when the month of taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and mourn with wine and ashtrays, and rend my receipts. And you shall remember that I am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one.

3. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written by Ian Frazier in the article Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father. © The Atlantic Monthly, Feb 1997 v279 n2 p89(2). Modified without permission .

Rules About SELF:
  • You are NOT Superman.
  • Ambition, attitude, and brains – two are required to be successful.
  • Anything you do leaves you vulnerable – including doing nothing.
  • Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammunition.
  • Don’t look conspicuous, it draws enemy fire.
  • Don’t draw enemy fire, it makes you quite unpopular with your unit.
  • Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
  • Never share your foxhole with someone braver than you.
Rules about WEAPONRY:
  • Remember your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
  • Aim towards the Enemy.
  • If in doubt, empty your magazine.
  • You have three seconds when lighting a five-second fuse.
  • When the pin is pulled, the grenade is not your friend.
Rules about LOGISTICS:
  • Things that must be together to work, can’t be shipped together.
  • Batteries fail when there’s no other power source available.
  • Radios fail when you desperately need fires support.
  • Flashlights are tubular metal containers for storing dead batteries.
  • The only time you can have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
  • If something hasn’t broken on your weapon, it’s about to.
  • If you are short on everything except enemy, you are in combat.
Rules about TACTICS:
  • No plan survives initial contact intact.
  • If it sounds stupid – but it works, it’s not stupid.
  • If your attack is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
  • It is generally inadvisable to eject into the area you just bombed.
  • Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.
  • If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.
  • If one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you still have enough power to make it to the scene of the crash.
  • Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your situation to a person on the ground incapable of doing anything about it.
Rules about FIRES:
  • The only thing more lethal than incoming fire, is incoming friendly fire.
  • Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
  • Tracer fire works both ways.
  • Friendly fire isn’t.
  • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Rules about STRATEGY:
  • Professional soldiers are predictable – but the world is full of amateurs.
  • If you are forward of your intended position, artillery will fall short.
  • The diversion you are ignoring is really the main attack.
  • The important things are always simple – the simple things are hard
  • The easy path is mined.
  • When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they’re both right.
  • If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.

 
 

Most importantly:

Once you win the battle, don’t forget to tell the enemy

My daughter may be all grown up and seem to be a mature woman to you, but to me, even if she's 30 years old, she will still be my little girl.

Rules for Dating My Daughter

 

Rule #1: Picking her up
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure NOT picking anything up.

Rule #2: Proper attire
   I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they fall off their hips. I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may date my daughter with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, however, in order to ensure that your pants do not “fall off” during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place. ‘Hot pants’, ‘short-shorts’ and ‘topless’ are never acceptable… on either of you.

Rule #3: The Wait
As you sit in my front room, waiting for my daughter to appear, and an hour has passed, do not sigh and fidget or roll your eyes at me. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup and fixing her hair, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just sitting there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car or clean my toilets?

Rule #4: Topics of discussion
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is: ‘early.’

Rule #5: Lies, drinking, foul language, drugs
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be dim-witted, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless master of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

  • If you are planning on drinking alcohol – don’t.
  • If you plan on using foul language – don’t.
  • If you plan to use drugs – don’t.

If you plan on lying to me about any of the preceding topics – don’t. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and several acres of woodland. Do not lie to me.

Rule #6: Where you may and may not go
The following places are considered appropriate for a date with my daughter:

  • Shoney’s
  • Pizza Hut
  • Taco Bell
  • McDonald’s

– I realize that Denny’s is open 24 hours a day. Eating there between 8:30 a.m. and 10:30 p.m. is OK. Eating there between 10:30 p.m. and 8:30 the next morning is not.

– Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chain saws are OK. Disney movies are even better.

The following places are considered inappropriate for a date with my daughter:

  • Places where there are beds
  • places where there are sofas
  • places with anything softer than a wooden stool
  • Places where there is darkness
  • Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or hugging going on
  • Places where the temperature is warm enough to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts

School functions are okay, church is better, Retirement Homes are even better.

Rule #7: Eye and hand contact
   Do not stare at, or touch my daughter inappropriately. You may glance at her, and admire her dress, but you do not stare anywhere below her neck. You may look at her face. You may look in her eyes. But remember, her eyes are not anywhere near her necklace, so you should not be spending a lot of time looking there. Do not touch her ANYWHERE below the neckline either. If you cannot keep your hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them for you.

Rule #8: Sex
   There will not be any.

Rule #9: Your physical well-being
   I was in the military. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a ‘chopper coming in over Mogadishu. When my Battlefield Post-Traumatic Stress starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean and load my guns. For your own well-being, as soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Announce in a loud, clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car and depart – there is no need for you to come inside. I will be awake.

Rule #10: Termination of the relationship
   I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. As long as my daughter understands this, it is fine with me. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her, and no one else but her, until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.


A Dating Questionnaire

TOP TEN traits of a Girlie-Girl

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 
Super Dad

   The following is a list of the top ten things your dad never told you, and you will never tell your children, either:

10. Well, how ’bout that?…I’m lost! I’m going to have to stop and ask for directions.

9. No, son, just leave the tools in the yard; I’ll find them next time I need them.

8. Hey, honey, Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

7. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

6. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend…you might want to consider throwing a house party.

5. I don’t know what’s wrong with my car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. I should just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

4. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring! Now quit your belly-aching, pull your waistband down on your hips, grab your cigarettes, and let’s go to the mall.

3. Whaddya mean you want to get a part-time job? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’re ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

And the #1 thing a father will never say:

1. Pee’d all over the seat again, huh? Well, just keep practicing, son.