Posts Tagged ‘work’

classified ad

A retired doctor decided his hometown could use the services of an additional medical provider, so he left retirement and hung out his shingle for the second time in his life. To drum up business, he took out an ad in the local paper announcing his return to the practice of medicine. The ad said “Experienced Doctor opening medical clinic in town, is now accepting new patients. ‘I Can heal any condition for only $300. Results guaranteed or I will give you $1000 cash back.'”

Eventually, one of the younger doctors in town started losing business to the older man. He decided to exact revenge on the older provider. He would pretend to be a patient, and fake an illness that the older doctor couldn’t heal. Then he’d, take his $1000 cash offer.

The young doctor went in and said, “Doctor, I’ve got an illness that no other physician has been able to cure. I have lost all sense of taste in my mouth, I can’t enjoy food any more.”

The older doctor called out, “Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

As the nurse placed the drops on the young doctor’s tongue, he screamed out, “Are you trying to kill me? That’s kerosene!!!”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

A week went by and the young doctor returned.”Doctor, I have memory problems. I can’t remember anything.”

The older doctor asked, “How long has this been going on?”

“How long has what been going on?” replied the younger doctor, feeling mighty smug.

“I see,” said the elder.”Nurse, bring out a medicine dropper of Formula #2 and put three drops on the patient’s tongue.”

“No way!”, said the younger doctor, “‘Formula #2’ is kerosene.”

The older doctor said, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”

The younger doctor pouted for a week then decided to give the old man a final challenge.This time he would pretend to be blind. Donning dark glasses and a cane, he went to see the older physician. “Doctor, I’ve gone blind, I can’t see a thing anymore.” he said. After a series of inconclusive tests, the young man said, “Doc, just admit you can’t do anything for me and give me my thousand dollars.”

The older doctor says, “You’re right, I may have been a little ambitious. Here’s your thousand dollars,” He counted out loudly: “$100 – $200 – $300 – $400…” as he placed ten $10 bills on the examination table.

“Hey, that’s not a thousand dollars,” objected the younger doctor, “that’s only a hundred. What are you trying to pull?” To which the elder replied, “Congratulations! You’re cured, that’ll be $300.”


   Perhaps there is nothing in social relations that produces more terror than The Annual Office Christmas Party. There is reportedly no worse source of nightmares. yet every year, we dutifully shuffle off to endure this one night of expected torture.

   1. It’s a party and it’s supposed to be fun — yet it is precisely not fun. Indeed, anyone seeking fun would most probably and more likely find it almost anywhere else. But we are governed by items two and three:

   2: Everyone there appears as though they are there to see and socialize with other co-workers, when really they are there only to protect their precarious economic position. After all, if two co-workers really wanted to see each other, then why do they communicate by email when they sit in adjacent cubicles?

   3: In its apparently voluntary nature, it appears to make people welcome and to feel like they belong to the corporate whole, yet the discerning observer will notice exactly the opposite. Namely, the fellowship degrades into intimate gatherings of gossipy individuals who previously alienated themselves from the corporate whole.

The only thing I can think of that’s worse than having to attend the Annual Office Christmas Party, is having to host the annual office Christmas party.

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DATE: December 1

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Christmas Party on December 23d

   I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Italian Bistro. This gathering is only for employees! There will be a pay-as-you-go bar, but plenty of free eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols… so feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! The Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 p.m. and we will exchange gifts among employees. However, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the gift-giving easy on everyone’s pocketbook. A special announcement will be made by our CEO at the end of the evening!

Merry Christmas to you and your families,

Patty

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DATE: December 2

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. Christmas is an important holiday which often coincides with Hanukkah, though unfortunately not this year. The CEO has asked me to remind you that the company does not discriminate against any employees based on religious beliefs. However, to prevent this misconception, from now on we’re calling it our “Office Holiday Party.” This same policy applies for employees who will be celebrating “Kwanzaa” at this time. Also, there will be a “Holiday” tree present, and we will not be singing “Christmas” carols. However, we will have other types of music playing for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your families,

Patty

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DATE: December 5

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   Regarding the note I received from a recovering member of Alcoholics Anonymous who was requesting a special “non-drinking table”… You didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate your request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “Alcoholics Anonymous Table” you won’t be anonymous anymore.

Patty

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DATE: December 6

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   Forget about the gift exchange at the office holiday party. We will have no gift exchange since the Worker’s Union contacted me with a grievance that they are being forced to give gifts to management. Instead, the executive board has voted to add a $10.00 bonus to each employee’s paycheck. Again, NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED. Remember, our own “little Santa in a red suit” will be making an important announcement at the end of the evening.

Patty

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DATE: December 7

FROM: Patty Lewis
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Luigi’s has agreed to hold off on serving the meals until the end of the party — after the planned events — or else they can package everything for take-home. Will that work?

   Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over-eaters Anonymous to sit the farthest from the dessert buffet and the two pregnant women will get a table closest to the restrooms. Gay male employees do not have to sit at the ‘Singles’ table, they will be allowed to sit with each other as a couple, and the lesbians do not have to sit at the table with the single gay men, unless they want to. Yes, there will be a take-home flower centerpiece on the ‘Single Gay Men’s’ table.

   To the person who asked if they can cross-dress, no cross-dressing is allowed. This is a Holiday party, not a costume party. Also, we will have three booster seats on hand for our ‘little’ people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet and a cheese-and-bean dish will be substituted for the meat entrée for the vegetarians. We cannot control the amount of salt used in the food, so we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste their food first before loading up a plate. the restaurant does not serve “sugar-free” desserts, but there will be a limited quantity of fresh fruits for the Diabetics. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?
Patty

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DATE: December 8

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   I have just been informed that December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. However, fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the open burning of sage by our “Earth-Goddess-worshiping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???… I don’t know what else you can expect me to do, maybe tap-dance naked on the tables?

P

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DATE: December 11

FROM: Patty
TO: All Employees
SUBJECT: Office Holiday Party

   People, people! I was joking about the naked tap-dancing . I realize NOBODY wants to see that!.

   Also, there was nothing sinister intended by my referral of the CEO as “our own little Santa in a red suit,” even though some employees pointed out the anagram of “Santa” happens to be “Satan” and Satan wears red. And there is no evil connotation to my earlier remark, “that he’ll be making a special announcement.” No one is losing their jobs! It’s a flippin’ tradition, folks! Like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Get over it! Could we all just lighten up? Please?????????
Regardless, the company has changed their mind about making the special announcement at the gathering. You will instead get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

P

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DATE: December 12

FROM: Patty
TO: All you #%&$**@ Employees
SUBJECT:The %#*&^%@*% Office Holiday Party

   I have NO FREAKIN’ idea what the G*&#&p;8^ announcement is all about. What the %#&^??? I DO NOT KNOW if it is about a “Christmas-” or “Holiday-” or “Kwanzaa-” or “Ramadan-” or “Earth-goddess-worshiper” bonus! I DO NOT KNOW how or if the $10 bonus gift will affect your end-of-year paycheck! I work in HUMAN resources — NOT FINANCIAL Resources. As such, I do not control your stinking financial situation!!!! I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET and that’s all I need to know!!!!!!!!!!!!

   And about the address changes for the ‘special announcement’: I have been asking FOR MONTHS for everyone to update their mailing address. If ONE MORE IDIOT comes to me now to update their Fr#*#*$ address, they’re going to take one in the gut! You come to my office and try to change your address now, and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE CHANGE OF ADDRESSES!!!!!! Any one who tries… I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

I MEAN IT!!!

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DATE: December 13

FROM: Patty
TO: All YOU A$$H*Le5
SUBJECT:The F******* Office Holiday Party

    BIO-SUSTAINABLE ORGANIC-VEGANS!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Italian Restaurant whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll eat from the #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. — But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes SCREAM when you slice them! I’ve heard them scream! I’m hearing them scream right now! HOW MANY INNOCENT TOMATOES HAVE

    YOU

TORTURED AND KILLED? >>>>>>> HA, HA, HA !
I hope you ALL have a rotten, lousy, stinking, depressing, joyless holiday! Drive drunk and DIE!!!!! You HEAR ME????????

The B—- from HELL!!!!!!!!

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DATE: December 13

FROM: Terri Bishop, Executive Director and Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party

   I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and hospitalization and I’ll continue to forward your get-well cards to her at Covenant Mental Health. In the meantime, company management has decided to cancel our annual Holiday Party to give everyone paid time off the afternoon of December the 23rd to spend time with their family and loved ones.

Happy Holidays! and enjoy your family time,

Terri

 

“This is the USS Abraham Lincoln”

German Coast Guard

Power lines strung between from wooden pole to wooden pole brings electricity to lakefront communities.

   Back before it became more popular to bury utility lines, Electric lines were carried on the top of power poles. The town of Morristown, Tennessee needed to run a few miles of power lines to some new residential properties located outside on the lakefront.

   In order to hire the best, fastest and cheapest crew, the city council ordered a simple test: Any crew that wanted to apply for the contract would be given one twenty-four hour workday to put up as many power poles as they could. The winner would be whatever crew put up the most power poles.

   There were three crews that applied, one local, one from Knoxville, and one from a small village back in the mountains. The backwoods crew showed up at 6:00 am to load their truck with poles. The local crew arrived to pick up the poles promptly at 8:00 and headed out to erect them. The Knoxville crew arrived a half-hour later, and were rather lethargic in picking up their poles and heading out. It was then that the city council noticed that the backwoods crew had still not left the lumberyard. Instead, they were doing some kind of acrobatic stunt, with several men holding a pole straight up, and another climbing to the top with a tape measure.

   “What are you doing?” the council asked. “We need to know how tall ‘ese poles are ‘fore we head out.” the crew leader said. “Well, why don’t you lay them down and measure them that way?” asked one of the councilmen. The crewman answered, “We already know how long they are, but now we need to know how tall they are.

Another hour passed, and finally, the crew from the hills headed out towards the lake.

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   The first crew back was the local crew. Arriving back at the lumberyard at 5:00 pm, they reported that they had put up twelve power poles. The Knoxville crew didn’t come in ’till 9:00 pm. and the extra time allowed them to set a total of sixteen power poles. There was no sign of the crew from the hills.

   Finally, at almost midnight, the backwoods boys pulled in to the lumberyard. The councilmen were pretty sure the long day they put in would win them the contract. “How many poles did you put up?” they asked. “Six,” was the reply.

   “Six?” the council asked, “The Morristown crew put up twelve poles in nine hours, and the Knoxville crew put up sixteen poles in 12 hours, now you come in after 14 hours on the job site and only set six poles?”

“Yep, but you should see — them other fellas left their poles stickin’ way up out of the ground.”

See some back hills vehicles

Cleetus and Fae on the job

Posted: May 27, 2012 in Work
Tags: , , , , , ,

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   Cleetus, Fae, and Jim Bob went to the Job Search Agency to find themselves a job. The Agency sent them to Honeysuckle Horse Ranch where they were to keep the barn floor free of feces. Well, Cleetus and Fae would keep the barn clean – the agency made Jim Bob their manager. About three times a day, Jim Bob would leave his air-conditioned office, walk to the barn, look around and say “Good job, fellers”, as he returned to air-conditioned comfort.

   After a couple of weeks of shoveling poop, Fae asked Cleetus, “Hey, why are we out here, sweating in the stench of horse poop, and Mr Fancy Pants is in there relaxing in comfort?”

Cleetus said, “I don’t know, but I’ll find out.”

   Cleetus stormed up to the house and knocked on Jim Bob’s door. “Come in,” said Jim Bob, “What can I do for you?

   “Well,” began Cleetus, “You, me and Fae all started working here the same day, but when we got our job assignments, you got to work inside in air-conditioned comfort, while we had to work ourselves to death in that hot, cramped, smelly barn. Now, I wanna’ know why that is?”

   “OK,” said Jim Bob. Jim Bob held his hand up, about two inches from the wall and told Cleetus, “Take your shovel and hit my hand just as hard as you can.” “But I don’t want to hurt you.” “Trust me, you won’t.” said Jim Bob. Cleetus rared back and swung the shovel forward. With just an inch to spare, Jim Bob pulled his hand out of the way and Cleetus’ shovel struck the wall, sending waves of vibrating pain down the handle and shaking his entire body. “That’s why I’m in here and you’re out there.” he said. “Now go back to work.”

Cleetus staggered back to the barn. “What did he say?” Fae pestered. Cleetus said, “Well, I’ll just show you,” and he held his hand up, about two inches in front of his face and told Fae, “Take your shovel and hit my hand just as hard as you can…”

There are four simple rules to effectively schedule work so that deadlines are always met: image from http://www.sxc.hu

   Nothing is more stressful than knowing that your project deadline is fast approaching. The adrenaline builds and the sweat pours from your brow as the reality of possibly not meeting the goal materializes. So developing an effective schedule for your subordinates adds a whole other dimension of stress to your life. Now you have to overcome their procrastination.

   But the reality is, anyone can be effective at task scheduling if they understand and follow these four simple rules:

  1. Realize that all work progresses on a schedule that attempts to meet a deadline.
  2. All work-related tasks are systematically ignored until 90% of the time allotted for completion has passed.
  3. Once work actually begins, it will take 10% more time than allowed on the schedule.
  4. The wise supervisor waits until 90% of the allotted time for a task is done, then sets an “unreasonable” deadline of 10% sooner than actually needed.
  5.    THE END RESULT: All work begins immediately and finishes on time, and your employees love you because you allowed them that extra 10% to finish the project without getting too upset with them.