TOP TEN Annoying Traits of a Girlie-Girl

Cynthia Ann Stephanie Lauper achieved success in the mid-1980s with the release of album 'She's So Unusual' in 1983, which spawned four Billboard Hot 100 top-five songs, one of them, 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun.'

 
   I was reading a friend’s blog the other day, and she was simply making some observations about her three daughters. Having my own daughter, her observations hit home. So thank you Carinda Kerr, for the idea for this TOP TEN list. Without further ado, here are the TOP TEN Annoying Traits of a Girlie-Girl:

10. Their Love / Hate Relationships: How can Girlie-Girls totally love each other one minute, and a half-millisecond later want to tear every last strand of hair out of each other? It’s a well defined scientific fact that in Girlie-Girl’s world, ‘Two is company, three’s a crowd.’ Any two girls can get along fabulously. But add a third, and you’re looking for trouble. Just like in Quantum Physics, two will always bond against one. This can be defined by the equation:
but it cannot be understood.

9. Their Cute Suits: When Girlie-Girls see each others’ outfits, they say, “Oh, I love it”, “It’s so cute on you”, “I would totally wear that!” But, if two Girlie-Girls show up at a party wearing the same thing, it’s on. Watch out for flying insults and obscenities. And momma has no taste in clothes – that is, until Charise shows up at school in a tie-dye Summer dress just like the one in momma’s closet (er, make that, used to be in momma’s closet).

8. They are Fashion Fickle: Girlie-Girls change clothes twenty-four times a day. Seriously. They’ve been home ALL DAY and their drawers are empty and the hamper is full. They try on clothes and if it doesn’t fit their mood, or the shade of red doesn’t match their lip gloss – it goes in the dirty clothes for mom to re-wash, re-iron, re-fold, and put away for tomorrow’s fashion quest. I know, because folded clothes frequently end up in the hamper. And why do they care so much which bathing suit they wear and whether the top looks good with the bottom in our own back yard with zero probability that anyone outside of our household will see them?

7. CH..CH..CHanges: Changing clothes aside, why do Girlie-Girls change their MINDS so frequently? Pull up to the drive-in window with three girls and ask, “What flavor ice cream do you want?” They reply, “Vanilla. No, chocolate. No, strawberry. No, cherry….” (One of the girls decides she adamantly wants vanilla). Now ALL the girls want vanilla. But one wants chocolate sprinkles. No, pink sprinkles. No, purple sprinkles…

6. Girlie-Girls are Pack Rats: Why can’t we walk anywhere without picking every last weed….err, I mean flower…and then leaving them all in my car? Look in a girly-girl’s room. You will find a drawer full of ticket stubs: football, theater, concert. They are usually kept in the drawer next to the drawer full of different brands of empty chewing gum boxes. Need money? Look for change under her bed. Need a pencil stub? There are several to choose from, behind her desk, up against the wall. Need a hair scruchy? There’s a box in the closet… and a bag in the dresser… and some under the bathroom sink. Need to see last year’s social calendar? It’s in there too.

5. Girlie-Girls leave Crime Scene Forensics: Why do they leave so much evidence that they have been wherever they go? For example, if girly girl decided to make breakfast on her own, she will leave the following clues: a bath towel draped over a chair, four cabinets left open, the spoon drawer hanging out, a gallon of milk on the counter, milk spilled on the bar, the lid to the milk on the floor, cereal box on the stove, cereal flakes in the sink, a pair of scissors in the window sill, and two ‘box tops for education’ in the fruit bowl, despite the fact you don’t do ‘box tops for education.’

4. To them, It’s just Jewelry: Two hours before the prom, Girlie-Girl will ask, “Mom, can I borrow your gorgeous 16-inch, 24-karat gold necklace, the one that belonged to daddy’s grandmother and he gave it to you when he got down on his knees and proposed to you on Valentine’s day in front of the whole office where you worked?” Then, two hours after the prom, they ask, “What necklace?”

3. The Appeal of the Squeal: Girlie-Girls squeal. Actually, they scream. And they scream all the time. They scream when they are frightened, They scream when they are scared. They scream when they are hurt. But they also scream when they’re excited. They scream when they’re happy. They scream when they first see each other, and upon each subsequent meeting. They scream when they hear a joke. They scream when they get an idea. They scream when they’re giddy, then they scream at each other when they get mad. They scream really, really loudly when they are mad!

2. Why do they cry so much? If they aren’t screaming, they are crying. In addition to the list of things they scream about on Item #3, they cry if they think someone may be mad at them, or they think that someone looked at them, or a certain boy didn’t look at them. Or their best friend’s neighbor’s dog growled at them. I have often thought, “Crying? Again? Seriously?” Let me give you something to cry about: my boss at work, taxes, gas prices, tuition, the rent is due, and the car broke down… again.

1. They’re A Stranger in our Midst: Why are Girlie-Girls so unpredictable? If someone asks (and this happened for real yesterday), “Do your girls like carrots?” I honestly don’t know how to answer. It seriously depends upon their mood, if it’s sunny or rainy, the temperature in the house, if their best friend’s goldfish smiled at them six hours ago and if they have the right kind of shoes on.

A BONUS ANNOYANCE: My friend Carinda has three girls. She says of the total improbability of getting a really great picture: Why can’t I get ONE picture where all THREE of them are looking at me, with all SIX of their eyes open and all THREE mouths smiling?

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A letter to my sister, who’s gone off to college

After going away to her first year in college, she gets a letter from her younger sister, wishing she would come back home:

Dear Pooh-Bear,

Please come home! I miss you so very, very much. Words can’t begin to express how much I miss you. Things just aren’t the same when you’re not around. It’s like a peace [sic] of life is gone from me. I miss you terribly, terribly bad! Please come home and bring me some clothes. I am in desperate need of some, or else I am going to have to start going naked and let everybody get a thrill out of my beautiful, sexy body.

Signed,

In desperate need of some clothes,
Your ever loving Sis.

Letter from a College friend

Luv letter from Eric

Men vs. women in points of view

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   In many ways, it’s obvious that men and women are different. But there are subtle differences as well. For instance, women sit and walk with their elbows tucked in, men sit and walk with elbows out.

   If you ask a woman to ‘look at her nails,’ she will hold her hand with the back-side up; fingers pointed straight out to see how her nails look compared to each other, and in the overall presentation of hands, fingernails, rings, and bracelets. When you ask a man to ‘look at his nails,’ he will hold his hand palm-up, curling the fingers back to examine the length, cleanliness, and evenness of the nails. When it comes to many subjects, men and women simply have different points of view:

   Nicknames:

– If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other ‘Laura’, ‘Kate’ and ‘Sarah’.
– If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as ‘Fatz’, ‘Moe’ and ‘Dingle’.

   Lunch:

– When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a $20, even though the bill is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no one will admit they want change back.
– Laura, Kate and Sarah each carry a pocket calculator and a purse full of pennies for such occassions.

   Shopping:

– John will pay $2.oo for a $1.oo item that he needs.
– Sarah will pay $1.oo for a $2.oo item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.

   Clothing:

– If Laura and Kate wear the same dress to a party, one of them will slip into the restroom and remove their hem or cut the sleeves off, to differentiate themselves. Either way, Laura and Kate will hate each other for months.
– If Mike and Dave wear the same shirt to a party, they will hug and laugh, and joke to everyone that they are really twins separated at birth.

   Vanity items:

– Dave has six items in his bathroom: 1) toothbrush, 2) toothpaste, 3) shaving cream, 4) razor, 5) a comb, and 6) a bar of soap.
– Kate has a least 40 items in the bathroom that she can’t live without. This includes such things as blush brushes in four different firmnesses, an articulated eyelash curler, and both hair-curling and hair-straightening irons. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

   Arguments:

– A woman must have the last word in any argument.
– Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   The future:

– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
– A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

   Success:

– A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
– A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

   Automobiles:

– A man describes a car by year, make, model, trim level, horsepower, torque, and top speed.
– A woman describes a car by color.

   Marriage:

– A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
– A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

   Cleaning up:

– A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
– A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, or get the mail.

   Natural beauty:

– A light beard and mussed hair make a man look ‘rugged’.
– A light beard and mussed hair make a woman look old.

   Children:

– A woman knows all about her children. She knows their bithdays, their next dentist appointment, their best friends, their romances, their favorite foods, their secret fears, and their hopes and dreams.
– A man is aware of some short people living in the house and making noise.

   Closing thought:
– A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!

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Why men don’t write advice columns

Questions and answers about women

Would you re-marry?

Like every man, I have my 'toys' and I'm pretty jealous of them.

   My wife and I had a friend pass away and on the way home from the funeral, we were talking about how the funeral was, when the subject of our own mortality came up. She asked me, “If I died, would you remarry?” I thought about it for a moment and thought about how to break it to her gently. “I wish I could say no,” I began, “but at the age I am, I will need someone to care for me, to be there for me.” The reality is I don’t do well alone. I need a partner. Then I asked her if she would remarry.

   Almost too quickly to suit me, she answered, “Yes.” The swiftness of her reply caught me off guard. I thought for a moment about my wife, living with another man. How could she let another man just step in and take my place? And possibly my things? And so I asked, “Well, you wouldn’t let him wear my clothes would you?” She replied pragmatically, “Probably — if they fit.”

“Well, you wouldn’t let him use my golf clubs, would you?” She answered, “I don’t know why not, if he wants to.”

“Well, I hope your not going to let him drive my car, are you?” my friend asked. “Oh no,” she replied, “He won’t be driving your car. I don’t think he knows how to drive a shift.”

What Car Names Really Stand For

“Hokey Pokey” Songwriter Larry LaPrise passes

What’s important in life

   An upscale housewife was walking down the street when she was confronted by a particularly dirty and shabby- looking homeless woman. The woman, who had been digging in the trash can, asked for a couple of dollars for some food. The housewife took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy pastries and potato chips instead of a dinner?” “No,” she replied, “I gave up carbohydrates and empty calories years ago”, the homeless woman told her.

   “Then, will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the housewife asked. “Oh, no, I don’t waste time or money shopping, I get all the clothing I need free from the Goodwill store,” she said.

   “Then, will you spend this money at the beauty salon instead of on food?” the housewife asked. “Are you crazy?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in over 15 years!”

   “Well, then” said the housewife, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I want you to come home with me. My husband and I are going to take you out for dinner and a night of dancing.”

   The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

   The housewife said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what happens when a woman gives up her snacks, quits buying new clothes, and no longer visits the hairdresser.”

The obituary

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